OSA Forum Funnys :)

[Dukasaur]

Haha!

[Dukasaur]

[Lord Arioch]

Why cant Trump enter the White House?
Its For Bid(d)en....

[willedtowin1]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you. This may very well be the solution,” the woman responded.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

[willedtowin1]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[Dukasaur]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[willedtowin1]

Magician is entertaining the passengers of a cruise ship .There is a guy in the front row with a Parrot .Parrot is busting the Magician act ,saying it’s in his sleeve ,he put it in his pocket .Magician is really irritated with the Parrot,just as the Magician was going to tell the Parrot off ,the ship hits an iceberg and sinks Magician and Parrot end up on the same piece of debris .For three days they are just starring at each other .Finally the Parrot says to the Magician “I give where’s the boat”

[willedtowin1]

This guy was out for a run and goes by some tennis courts. He spots a tennis ball that went over the fence and is lying in the gutter. He scoops it up as he goes by and continues on his way. He gets tired of carrying the ball in his hand but his running shorts have no pockets so he stuffs it down the front of his shorts. He comes to a corner and is waiting for traffic before crossing. There's a lady standing there also and she glances down to see the bulge in his shorts. He notices her glance so he says, tennis ball. She says, If that's anything like tennis elbow it must be excruciating.

[willedtowin1]

Politics

A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"

He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the ******* who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."

The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go"

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"

He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."

MORAL

Politics is when you can tell the same sh:t in different ways to fool a different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.

[willedtowin1]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[willedtowin1]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202011 ... 669307.jpg

[willedtowin1]

What has 100 teeth and guards a Giant?

[Sea Devil]

What has 100 teeth and guards a Giant?

My zipper

[benga]

Ahahahha

[willedtowin1]

How do you catch a polar bear?


Cut a hole in the ice and put peas around it.



When a bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole!

[willedtowin1]

When I was in NYC visiting my daughter a few years ago, we went into an Irish bar for some local color and beers. NYC is full of tourists so ya never know who you’ll run into. We sat down at a table close to some rather large ladies who spoke with an accent. After a while I turned around and asked if they were from Ireland. Well, that was the wrong question and the biggest of the lot really lit into me. Wales, you idiot!! Wales!!! So I rephrased the question hoping she’d settle down a bit. Okay I said, are you whales from Ireland? Good thing there was an ER nearby.

[willedtowin1]

How do you know who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?
Lock both in the trunk of your car for four hours..... Open it up......
Who is the one that is glad to see you?

[willedtowin1]

FOR SALE BY OWNER...

Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
$100 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

[willedtowin1]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.

The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, “Great, I’ll take it!”! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, I’m not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?”

[willedtowin1]

Very Annoying

https://www.ifish.net/cdn-cgi/image/for ... pg.950201/

[willedtowin1]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

[willedtowin1]

Last words


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]