OSA Forum Funnys :)

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

A guy opens the door on a porta-potty and sees someone inside. The person inside is taking off his watch and throwing down the hatch. The person waiting sees the person inside then take his wallet and do the same.
The person waiting, obviously confused, asks the other what-in-the-hell are you doing? The person inside explains that he dropped his phone down the hole but he sure wasn't going in there for just his phone.

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

If you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59


And the clocks strikes midnight.........


Then you have




,,,,



Same Shit, Different Day

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[willedtowin1]

Letter to a men's helpline...
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[Dukasaur]

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[willedtowin1]

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said “No, I never did dance...never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now”, and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.
The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toe blown off, started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crows watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s rear end?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said “No M’am…but…I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons here for all of us:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

[willedtowin1]

Two sisters a blonde and a brunette had a little ranch, and it was time to get a new bull.

The brunette said I will drive out there and check it out, and if I buy it....I will send you a message and switch the trailer hitch and get the stock trailer and come to meet me and we will load it up.

She really liked the bull and bought it, but she had no phone service so she went into a nearby town to send her sister a telegram . She told the man to send “ I bought the bull, and you need to swap out the hitches and bring the big trailer, as soon as possible”.
The telegrapher said...”you know it’s 75 cents a word”.

The sister said, I don’t have that much money.".........so she thought for a minute.

Ok, just send her the word ”comfortable “.

The man said, how will she know what to do with the word ”comfortable”?.

She said, my sisters a blonde and doesn’t read very fast and when she reads it...it will be
com-for-da-bull

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

[willedtowin1]

Picabu Street, the Olympic skier, donated a bunch of money to the hospital in her home town, They used the money to update their intensive care unit.
.
.
.They named it the Picabu ICU.

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

[willedtowin1]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[willedtowin1]

This seriously happened to me today.
And after emailing it to a friend I decided to post this here too :



I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you”, obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.

Don’t honk your horn at old people.

[willedtowin1]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She snorted at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

[Dukasaur]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She snorted at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”