Welcome to rating jokes!!!!

[minihaymanz]

2....maybe

A man was having problems pleasuring his wife in bed, so the wife went to the doctors and asked him if there was anything he could prescribe for the problems. The doctor gave her some pills, and said "Make him take one of these in the morning, but only one and call me on the 3rd day". So the following morning, she put one into his cereal. After his breakfast, he kissed his wife and left for work, and that night, they had the best sex in her life. So, the following morning, she put 2 into his cereal. He again had his breakfast, and went to work and when he got home, they had EVEN BETTER sex than the night before. So, on the 3rd morning, the wife says to herself "why not?" and puts ALL of the pills into his food in the morning. The doctor did not get a call from the wife and wondered if she had forgotten. So, the next morning, the doctor calls up their house and the wife's son picks up the phone. The doctor asks him "Is your mother there?", the son relpies with the following:
"No, mom's dead, my sis is pregnant, my ass hurts and dads out on the front lawn saying 'here kitty kitty kitty'"

[Bozo]

4 lmao

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

[bluereaper]

haha, i give that a 3

Your momma's so fat, i tried to swerve around her and ran out of gas.



Ok these 3 femaleswalk into a bar. They all sit down on a bar stool and order a drink. While they are waiting, they start arguing on how "loose" each of them are. The first girl goes, "im so loose, a man can stick his fist inside of me." The second girl says "Ha, I'm so loose, a man can stick his whole head inside of me." The two girls look over to the third girl to see what she was says. As they look at her, the 3rd girl is sliding down the bar stool.

Rate them seperatly please.

[Bozo]

2 and 5

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[slash1890]

2

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[bluereaper]

haha the golf is funny, like a 4 to me cause i golf. Dyslexic one is like a 2.

[Bozo]

more were that came from....

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

[slash1890]

Sigh. Innuendo jokes? 0

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?

Give her a smack.

[Cheesemore]

1.5,
A blonde, brunette and a redhead where on top of the Empire state buliding and they each had a lunch. The Brunette opens her lunch and finds a turkey sandwich. "Man I hate turkey," she says, "If I get it one more time I'm gonna jump off and kill myself. The redhead opens her lunch and it's ham. (Says the same thing except ham instead of turkey). Then the blonde opens her lunch and finds a PBJ. (Says the same thing except with PBJ). The next day they are all on top of the building again, find they have the same lunches, and then they jump off and kill themselves. At the funeral the brunette's mom says, "I don't get it, I don't get it I thought she loved turkey." Then the redhead's mom says, "I don't get it, I don't get it I thought she loved ham." And the blondes mom goes, "I don't get it, I don't get it she packed her own lunch."

[slash1890]

3

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?

Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

[P Gizzle]

-60


a panda walks into a restaurant and orders some steak. after his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots four people then starts walking out.
the waiter says "why did u do that?"
the panda replies "look it up in the encyclopedia. it says that the panda eat, shoots and leaves"

[wcaclimbing]

1

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

P Gizzle this doesnt get a 2. i think it needs a 4

[P Gizzle]

1

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

P Gizzle this doesnt get a 2. i think it needs a 4

oh, i dont know what the scale is, every joke i've seen is a negative, 0, or 1, so for me 2 is high

[Fireside Poet]

Why is your avatar laughing then?

[P Gizzle]

Why is your avatar laughing then?

he's not laughing.........ok, he's laughing because he saw the Jesus joke

[lilwdlnddude]

heres one...

So this guy is drinking coffee in a coffee shop and it tastes disgusting. So he calls over the waiter and asks, " why does my coffee taste like dirt?" The waiter replies "because its fresh ground"... haha...

ok that was lame maybe....

[Bozo]

2


The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

[wcaclimbing]

3 haha funny...

[Bozo]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[Bozo]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

ya i know double post, give me a break

[Cheesemore]

2 and then 5
(Sorry I don't have a joke)

[Bozo]

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

[Bozo]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

[Bozo]

Ok i know trip post but this kicks ass...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRUNK WHEN....

-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
-Job interfering with your drinking.
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
-Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
-Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
-Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
-At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
-You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
-The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

[riskproplayer]

lol...3.9


A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"