Conquer Club

jonesthecurl wrote:Mrs thecurl spotted a man and his young son in a local restaurant reading the program from my show at the weekend. She asked if they'd enjoyed the show, and the Dad asked the youngster to repeat what he'd just said.
He said "Whoever wrote that show knew a LOT about fun!".

What a compliment.

jonesthecurl wrote:I'll try to post some of it, though it'll lose a lot not being interactive. Waiting for DVD of recording to arrive.

jonesthecurl wrote:Mrs thecurl spotted a man and his young son in a local restaurant reading the program from my show at the weekend. She asked if they'd enjoyed the show, and the Dad asked the youngster to repeat what he'd just said.
He said "Whoever wrote that show knew a LOT about fun!".

What a compliment.

Dukasaur wrote:Jolly Good work!

john9blue wrote:jones if you get rich and famous and i ever need a loan, remember that i was the inspiration for some of your witty retorts

oVo wrote:When you reach that first million, I only require a homogenized 2% commission.

Funkyterrance wrote:

jonesthecurl wrote:I'll try to post some of it, though it'll lose a lot not being interactive. Waiting for DVD of recording to arrive.

Neat.
In the meantime, why not post an excerpt from the script?

Cap’n Beardy’s Pirate Glossarrry
Arrr! - an all-purpose word, me hearties. Also the best panto on either side o’ th’Atlantic.
Avast! – sometimes means “hello”, and sometimes means “watch out”. When ye meets a pirate, they both mean the same thing anyhows.
Aye! – means “yes”. “Aye, Aye” means “Yes, sir, right away, sir, no need ter hit me round the noggin with yon belayin’ pin.”
Belay – stop.
Belaying pin – heavy piece o’ wood with two uses – helpin’ to tie up the rope as’ll belay the boat – and hittin’ a cove round the noggin.
Bilge – nastiness sloppin’ around at the bottom o’ the boat on account of we ain’t got no bathrooms.
Bilge-Rat – anybody as I don’t like what ain’t a landlubber.
Black Swan – boat as Cap’n Hawk used ter be cap’n of afore I was. Monty Daysby served aboard her too.
Bletherin’ – talkin’ a load of old nonsense.
Booty – Loot.
Boson – one o’ the ship’s officers. My boson was called Higgs.
Bow – the pointy end o’ the boat.
The Briny – the ocean, so-called on account of it bein’ so salty.
Buccaneer – much the same as a pirate really, ‘cept they went around in bigger gangs.
Castaway - when nobody turns up for rehearsals.
Colours – The flag ye flies ter identify where ye comes from. “Sailin’ under false colours” is if ye pretends ter be someone as ye ain’t. Pirate colours be the skull an’ crossbones sometimes called the Jolly Roger.
Cove – a sheltered place fer the boat. Or a person. If ye says “We’ll tie the boat up in that cove”, it means the cove is a place. If ye says “we’ll tie that cove up in the boat” it means the cove is a person. And probably a scurvy knave too.
Crow’s Nest – A little box, high up on the mast, where yez can look out fer likely victims ter plunder.
Cutlass – sorta like a large potato peeler.
Davy Jones’ Locker - the bottom o’ the briny.
Doubloon – a Spanish coin what’ll buy ye a lot o’ Grog.
Ducket – some other coin. Italian, if I be not mistaken. Also buys grog.
First Mate – my first mate was Rosie Higgins, but sometimes it also means the cap’n’s second-in-commaaaand.
Futtock – it’s a bit o’ the boat, and nothin’ rude at all.
Grog – a mixture of Rum an’ water as ye drinks ‘cos the water’s so stale and nasty. That’s me excuse an’ I’m stickin’ to it.
Jolly Roger – the cabin boy when ‘e ‘s had too much grog. Or the pirate flag.
Keelhaul – yez don’t want to know. Really, ye don’t.
Landlubber – you lot. Unless ye wants ter join me crew?
Letter of Marque – official permission to loot certain peoples. It’s a letter o’ marque as makes ye a privateer an’ not a pirate.
Longboat – the ships boat fer when ya don’t wanna use the big ‘un.
Loot – Booty
Marooned – given a free an’ compulsory open-ended ‘oliday on a lovely island.
Mucky Duck – nickname as we used ter give the Black Swan
Mutiny – Don’t even think about it, ye scurvy knaves.
Noggin – can mean yer head, or can mean a drink o’ rum or grog. Kinda confusin’ now I thinks about it. As if too many noggins ‘ave gone ter me noggin.
Pieces of Eight – silver Spanish coins. Don’t buy as much grog as a doubloon does. Nor a ducket.
Pirate – a scurvy knave what robs yer, sinks yer, and probably kills yer too.
Port – ←over on this side.
Privateer - a scurvy knave what robs yer, sinks yer, and probably kills yer too. But only if the king or queen says they can. Getting yer sea captains to go privateerin’ is cheaper’n declarin’ war fer a king or queen. And ye usually tax the booty too. Privateers have a letter o’ marque.
Rum – tasty drink as never did me no harm. But it’s mine, so keep yer scurvy ‘ands off it.
Rum Cove – not the place as I gets me Rum from, but a strange feller. “Rum” means “odd”. Which is odd, ‘cos it means “Rum” too.
Scuppered – thrown overboard – or, in big trouble.
Scurvy Knave – Bilge rat.
Skiving off – a-shirkin; o’ yer duties, The sorta thing a scurvy bilge-rat would do.
Starboard – over on this side.→
Swab – to swab is to wash, ‘cos we sailors call a mop a ”swab”. No, I don’t know why. You know what happens to rum coves as ask too many questions? Watch the show and find out.
Swashbuckler – Ye’ve always wondered whether ye should buckle yer swash or swash yer buckle, haven’t ye? A “buckler” is an old name for a shield, and some men used to wave their bucklers around or beat on ‘em with their swords so as to look fierce-like. So, anything brave done with a dash o’ style .
Terminator – my boat. The figurehead is Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Walk the Plank – yez can dispose of inconvenient prisoner what’ll bring ye no ransom by getting ‘em to take a long stroll on a short boardwalk.


And remember what the poet said – “in booty there is loot, and in loot booty.” Or sump’n like that.

jonesthecurl wrote:So here's the pirate Glossarrry from the program.

Did I do this already? If I did, I apologise, but I'm self-publicising so much right now that I sometimes forget if I've just planned something or actually done it.

Cap’n Beardy’s Pirate Glossarrry
Arrr! - an all-purpose word, me hearties. Also the best panto on either side o’ th’Atlantic.
Avast! – sometimes means “hello”, and sometimes means “watch out”. When ye meets a pirate, they both mean the same thing anyhows.
Aye! – means “yes”. “Aye, Aye” means “Yes, sir, right away, sir, no need ter hit me round the noggin with yon belayin’ pin.”
Belay – stop.
Belaying pin – heavy piece o’ wood with two uses – helpin’ to tie up the rope as’ll belay the boat – and hittin’ a cove round the noggin.
Bilge – nastiness sloppin’ around at the bottom o’ the boat on account of we ain’t got no bathrooms.
Bilge-Rat – anybody as I don’t like what ain’t a landlubber.
Black Swan – boat as Cap’n Hawk used ter be cap’n of afore I was. Monty Daysby served aboard her too.
Bletherin’ – talkin’ a load of old nonsense.
Booty – Loot.
Boson – one o’ the ship’s officers. My boson was called Higgs.
Bow – the pointy end o’ the boat.
The Briny – the ocean, so-called on account of it bein’ so salty.
Buccaneer – much the same as a pirate really, ‘cept they went around in bigger gangs.
Castaway - when nobody turns up for rehearsals.
Colours – The flag ye flies ter identify where ye comes from. “Sailin’ under false colours” is if ye pretends ter be someone as ye ain’t. Pirate colours be the skull an’ crossbones sometimes called the Jolly Roger.
Cove – a sheltered place fer the boat. Or a person. If ye says “We’ll tie the boat up in that cove”, it means the cove is a place. If ye says “we’ll tie that cove up in the boat” it means the cove is a person. And probably a scurvy knave too.
Crow’s Nest – A little box, high up on the mast, where yez can look out fer likely victims ter plunder.
Cutlass – sorta like a large potato peeler.
Davy Jones’ Locker - the bottom o’ the briny.
Doubloon – a Spanish coin what’ll buy ye a lot o’ Grog.
Ducket – some other coin. Italian, if I be not mistaken. Also buys grog.
First Mate – my first mate was Rosie Higgins, but sometimes it also means the cap’n’s second-in-commaaaand.
Futtock – it’s a bit o’ the boat, and nothin’ rude at all.
Grog – a mixture of Rum an’ water as ye drinks ‘cos the water’s so stale and nasty. That’s me excuse an’ I’m stickin’ to it.
Jolly Roger – the cabin boy when ‘e ‘s had too much grog. Or the pirate flag.
Keelhaul – yez don’t want to know. Really, ye don’t.
Landlubber – you lot. Unless ye wants ter join me crew?
Letter of Marque – official permission to loot certain peoples. It’s a letter o’ marque as makes ye a privateer an’ not a pirate.
Longboat – the ships boat fer when ya don’t wanna use the big ‘un.
Loot – Booty
Marooned – given a free an’ compulsory open-ended ‘oliday on a lovely island.
Mucky Duck – nickname as we used ter give the Black Swan
Mutiny – Don’t even think about it, ye scurvy knaves.
Noggin – can mean yer head, or can mean a drink o’ rum or grog. Kinda confusin’ now I thinks about it. As if too many noggins ‘ave gone ter me noggin.
Pieces of Eight – silver Spanish coins. Don’t buy as much grog as a doubloon does. Nor a ducket.
Pirate – a scurvy knave what robs yer, sinks yer, and probably kills yer too.
Port – ←over on this side.
Privateer - a scurvy knave what robs yer, sinks yer, and probably kills yer too. But only if the king or queen says they can. Getting yer sea captains to go privateerin’ is cheaper’n declarin’ war fer a king or queen. And ye usually tax the booty too. Privateers have a letter o’ marque.
Rum – tasty drink as never did me no harm. But it’s mine, so keep yer scurvy ‘ands off it.
Rum Cove – not the place as I gets me Rum from, but a strange feller. “Rum” means “odd”. Which is odd, ‘cos it means “Rum” too.
Scuppered – thrown overboard – or, in big trouble.
Scurvy Knave – Bilge rat.
Skiving off – a-shirkin; o’ yer duties, The sorta thing a scurvy bilge-rat would do.
Starboard – over on this side.→
Swab – to swab is to wash, ‘cos we sailors call a mop a ”swab”. No, I don’t know why. You know what happens to rum coves as ask too many questions? Watch the show and find out.
Swashbuckler – Ye’ve always wondered whether ye should buckle yer swash or swash yer buckle, haven’t ye? A “buckler” is an old name for a shield, and some men used to wave their bucklers around or beat on ‘em with their swords so as to look fierce-like. So, anything brave done with a dash o’ style .
Terminator – my boat. The figurehead is Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Walk the Plank – yez can dispose of inconvenient prisoner what’ll bring ye no ransom by getting ‘em to take a long stroll on a short boardwalk.

jonesthecurl wrote:Mrs thecurl spotted a man and his young son in a local restaurant reading the program from my show at the weekend. She asked if they'd enjoyed the show, and the Dad asked the youngster to repeat what he'd just said.
He said "Whoever wrote that show knew a LOT about fun!".

What a compliment.

Gillipig wrote:

jonesthecurl wrote:Mrs thecurl spotted a man and his young son in a local restaurant reading the program from my show at the weekend. She asked if they'd enjoyed the show, and the Dad asked the youngster to repeat what he'd just said.
He said "Whoever wrote that show knew a LOT about fun!".

What a compliment.

Did the kid say that while rolling his eyes or not?