Exam strategy: Ponzi Scheming
Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:25 amThis is my wisdom to freshmen on how to handle exams.
I call it the Ponzi scheme of sugar.
The basic concept: if you feel tired, eat some sugar. Eventually, your blood glucose will drop again and you will feel tired. Then you eat even more sugar. It's a radical approach, but it means you don't have to sleep for 2-3 weeks and will ace every exam.
Start with some popular candies that you enjoy. Don't buy Reese's though. Actually f*ck them, they are only half the size they used to be. It's criminal, and anyone who buys them is guilty by association. Don't forget to drink coffee, but no milk or cream - it will only slow you down. You want to start right before your first exam if you were already well prepared. If you weren't, you will need to start a few days early.
Ok, one exam down. Four to go.
After a couple of days, regular candy won't cut it. You need to gradually phase in higher sugar content candies. By the time your second exam rolls around, you want to be popping industrial grade marshmallows back like they are OxyContin. It is Important that to this point, you stick with coffee only, and resist the temptation to go straight to energy drinks.
That starts now: energy drinks, and lots of them. By the third exam, you may start twitching, hallucinating and you will probably be unshaven and smelly. That's fine, go to the professor's office and blow him. If he complains, you can say you Lost control of your faculties. If he doesn't, you will get a good mark, just don't forget to leave your student number.
By the time the fourth exam rolls around, you will be on an intravenous glucose and caffeine drip. You will be in such a dour state that you will beg for extra time at the end, and hopefully score a few answers from the professor who takes pity on your sorry state.
Ok. You made it to the fifth exam. You should be drooling on yourself by this point. If you aren't, it means you dozed off at some point without realizing it. That's ok, it happens to the best of us. Bring a defibrillator to class and every so often zap yourself. Zap any TA who catches you copying from the neighbor too - that will learn them.
When you finish this fifth exam, you must pass the hardest test of all. Before you can sleep, you send me your credit card information (by pm) and then I will tell you how to avoid diabetes.
I call it the Ponzi scheme of sugar.
The basic concept: if you feel tired, eat some sugar. Eventually, your blood glucose will drop again and you will feel tired. Then you eat even more sugar. It's a radical approach, but it means you don't have to sleep for 2-3 weeks and will ace every exam.
Start with some popular candies that you enjoy. Don't buy Reese's though. Actually f*ck them, they are only half the size they used to be. It's criminal, and anyone who buys them is guilty by association. Don't forget to drink coffee, but no milk or cream - it will only slow you down. You want to start right before your first exam if you were already well prepared. If you weren't, you will need to start a few days early.
Ok, one exam down. Four to go.
After a couple of days, regular candy won't cut it. You need to gradually phase in higher sugar content candies. By the time your second exam rolls around, you want to be popping industrial grade marshmallows back like they are OxyContin. It is Important that to this point, you stick with coffee only, and resist the temptation to go straight to energy drinks.
That starts now: energy drinks, and lots of them. By the third exam, you may start twitching, hallucinating and you will probably be unshaven and smelly. That's fine, go to the professor's office and blow him. If he complains, you can say you Lost control of your faculties. If he doesn't, you will get a good mark, just don't forget to leave your student number.
By the time the fourth exam rolls around, you will be on an intravenous glucose and caffeine drip. You will be in such a dour state that you will beg for extra time at the end, and hopefully score a few answers from the professor who takes pity on your sorry state.
Ok. You made it to the fifth exam. You should be drooling on yourself by this point. If you aren't, it means you dozed off at some point without realizing it. That's ok, it happens to the best of us. Bring a defibrillator to class and every so often zap yourself. Zap any TA who catches you copying from the neighbor too - that will learn them.
When you finish this fifth exam, you must pass the hardest test of all. Before you can sleep, you send me your credit card information (by pm) and then I will tell you how to avoid diabetes.
