Conquer Club

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:04 pm**

Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? I have only once.

It was like a January or February night and cold as balls out and this guy in probably his late forties/early fifties was walking on the sidewalk and I asked him if he needed a ride because I'm such a humanitarian.
So we start to drive and more or less immediately he starts to ask me if I want head in exchange for the ride and I laughed it off but started to feel just a tad nervous. About a minute later he asks me again and puts his hand on my leg. I swear this happened lol.
He probably asked me half a dozen times before we got to his house which was only a few blocks away, then asked me if I wanted to come in. I politely refused and that was that.

In retrospect, I probably should have just taken him up on it because I'm pretty sure I ended up wanking off that night anyway...

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:06 pm**

Misleading title.

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:12 pm**

Stopped at a desolate rest stop in southern Oregon once driving north up the 5. Two hitchhikers from Utah had been stranded there for two days. I think they were going to harvest marijuana somewhere. Can't recall the name of that job. They said they hated Oregon because of the trees; they preferred the desert. I drove them as far as Grant's Pass where one of them thought he knew someone.

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:51 pm**

Man, I worked at a restaurant and every Wednesday was delivery day. The trucking company was Monarch. One Wednesday morning I'm driving to work and I notice a Monarch truck on the side of the road. I wonder if that truck was supposed to be coming to my store later. A few miles down the road I see a guy walking on the side of the road in what looks to be a Monarch shirt. Hell, I pull over and tell him to hop in.
He gets in the car and all he has with him is a brown paper bag. I notice then that he wasn't wearing a Monarch shirt and I'd never seen this guy before. But its kind of too late to tell him to gtfo so I pull back onto the road. I ask "car troubles?".
Mother fucker stares out the window and ignores me completely. He has this look on his face, I can't describe it but even now many years later it makes me shiver.
"Where you want me to drop you off?" I ask the guy. Still, he completely ignores me and just keeps staring out the front window. I'm getting really nervous now and I always carried this little wooden baseball bat along the side of my seat, just in case you know. I could knock someone senseless with it if I ever had to. So being nervous and all I put my left hand on the handle of that bat and am ready to smash the guys face if he tries anything.
But he just keeps staring out the window clutching that brown paper bag in his lap. So I ask him, "Hey, what's in the bag?"
He turns to me with this look on his face that was a mix between sneer and scowl and he growls "None of your fucking business."

I had enough. I whipped the wheel hard and skidded off the road, slamming the brakes to bring the car to a stop. The guy wasn't expecting it so he was hanging on for dear life. As soon as the car came to a stop I went ballistic. I pulled that bat out and screamed "Get the f*ck out before I smash your fucking face you f*ck!". I was screaming, probably spitting, figuring if I act crazy enough the guy won't f*ck with me.
It worked, I scared the shit out of him. That son of a bitch scrambled like a scared duckling, he even smacked his forehead as he was bolting from my car. I peeled out the instant he was out, his door closing on its own from the violent force of me spinning out of there. I let out a hearty laugh as I went down the road and guffawed when I noticed that the guy was in such a hurry he forgot to take his brown paper bag.
I don't pick up hitchhikers anymore.

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:53 pm**

patches70 wrote:Man, I worked at a restaurant and every Wednesday was delivery day. The trucking company was Monarch. One Wednesday morning I'm driving to work and I notice a Monarch truck on the side of the road. I wonder if that truck was supposed to be coming to my store later. A few miles down the road I see a guy walking on the side of the road in what looks to be a Monarch shirt. Hell, I pull over and tell him to hop in.
He gets in the car and all he has with him is a brown paper bag. I notice then that he wasn't wearing a Monarch shirt and I'd never seen this guy before. But its kind of too late to tell him to gtfo so I pull back onto the road. I ask "car troubles?".
Mother fucker stares out the window and ignores me completely. He has this look on his face, I can't describe it but even now many years later it makes me shiver.
"Where you want me to drop you off?" I ask the guy. Still, he completely ignores me and just keeps staring out the front window. I'm getting really nervous now and I always carried this little wooden baseball bat along the side of my seat, just in case you know. I could knock someone senseless with it if I ever had to. So being nervous and all I put my left hand on the handle of that bat and am ready to smash the guys face if he tries anything.
But he just keeps staring out the window clutching that brown paper bag in his lap. So I ask him, "Hey, what's in the bag?"
He turns to me with this look on his face that was a mix between sneer and scowl and he growls "None of your fucking business."

I had enough. I whipped the wheel hard and skidded off the road, slamming the brakes to bring the car to a stop. The guy wasn't expecting it so he was hanging on for dear life. As soon as the car came to a stop I went ballistic. I pulled that bat out and screamed "Get the f*ck out before I smash your fucking face you f*ck!". I was screaming, probably spitting, figuring if I act crazy enough the guy won't f*ck with me.
It worked, I scared the shit out of him. That son of a bitch scrambled like a scared duckling, he even smacked his forehead as he was bolting from my car. I peeled out the instant he was out, his door closing on its own from the violent force of me spinning out of there. I let out a hearty laugh as I went down the road and guffawed when I noticed that the guy was in such a hurry he forgot to take his brown paper bag.
I don't pick up hitchhikers anymore.

What was in it?

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:55 pm**

saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:55 pm**

hahahaha

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:05 pm**

patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

^o^

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:25 pm**

patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:36 pm**

patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Really though, what was in it?

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:42 pm**

Metsfanmax wrote:
patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Really though, what was in it?

It was filled to the brim with human semen. Are you guys happy now? The story was perfect, just leave it!

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:46 pm**

Funkyterrance wrote:
Metsfanmax wrote:
patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Really though, what was in it?

It was filled to the brim with human semen. Are you guys happy now? The story was perfect, just leave it!

The story gave me massive blueballs and I demand that patches finish the job

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:54 pm**

Metsfanmax wrote:
Funkyterrance wrote:
Metsfanmax wrote:
patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Really though, what was in it?

It was filled to the brim with human semen. Are you guys happy now? The story was perfect, just leave it!

The story gave me massive blueballs and I demand that patches finish the job

Saxi provided the ending. Redoing the ending for you is just repetitious. Luckily, Saxi got it right off the bat and it pleases me greatly. I love that story, there are so few opportunities in life to get a chance to use it. Luckily Funky provided the perfect segue for that story to work. Thank you Funky.
Anyone is free to use that story if the opportunity ever arises where it can be of use to f*ck with the minds of your friends and have a good laugh. Its a classic.

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:56 pm**

Oh, and this is disturbing.

saxitoxin wrote:Stopped at a desolate rest stop in southern Oregon once driving north up the 5. Two hitchhikers from Utah had been stranded there for two days. I think they were going to harvest marijuana somewhere. Can't recall the name of that job. They said they hated Oregon because of the trees; they preferred the desert. I drove them as far as Grant's Pass where one of them thought he knew someone.

Don't think I didn't see what you did there, Saxi....

Posted: **Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:59 pm**

patches70 wrote:
Metsfanmax wrote:
Funkyterrance wrote:
Metsfanmax wrote:
patches70 wrote:
saxitoxin wrote:What was in it?

None of your fucking business!!!!!

Really though, what was in it?

It was filled to the brim with human semen. Are you guys happy now? The story was perfect, just leave it!

The story gave me massive blueballs and I demand that patches finish the job

Saxi provided the ending.

You're a sick f*ck.

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:03 am**

Another time Patches was driving for Monarch trucking with his monkey. On a long desert highway cool wind in his hair. He picked up a hitch hiker. They drive a way and suddenly he slaps the monkey. It flies across the cab of the truck. Shakes it off scrambles back over to Patches and gives him head just like the guy in OP.

The hitch hiker decides to just play cool and not ask questions.

After a while Patches back hands the monkey again, same deal. After the monkey is done Patches asks, "You wanna try?" The hitch hiker says...

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:05 am**

2dimes wrote:Another time Patches was driving for Monarch trucking with his monkey. On a long desert highway cool wind in his hair. He picked up a hitch hiker. They drive a way and suddenly he slaps the monkey. It flies across the cab of the truck. Shakes it off scrambles back over to Patches and gives him head just like the guy in OP.

The hitch hiker decides to just play cool and not ask questions.

After a while Patches back hands the monkey again, same deal. After the monkey is done Patches asks, "You wanna try?" The hitch hiker says...

"You ain't in this to just help people out, are you?"

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:06 am**

patches70 wrote:Oh, and this is disturbing.

saxitoxin wrote:Stopped at a desolate rest stop in southern Oregon once driving north up the 5. Two hitchhikers from Utah had been stranded there for two days. I think they were going to harvest marijuana somewhere. Can't recall the name of that job. They said they hated Oregon because of the trees; they preferred the desert. I drove them as far as Grant's Pass where one of them thought he knew someone.

Don't think I didn't see what you did there, Saxi....

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:12 am**

patches70 wrote:
2dimes wrote:Another time Patches was driving for Monarch trucking with his monkey. On a long desert highway cool wind in his hair. He picked up a hitch hiker. They drive a way and suddenly he slaps the monkey. It flies across the cab of the truck. Shakes it off scrambles back over to Patches and gives him head just like the guy in OP.

The hitch hiker decides to just play cool and not ask questions.

After a while Patches back hands the monkey again, same deal. After the monkey is done Patches asks, "You wanna try?" The hitch hiker says...

"OK but don't hit me as hard as the monkey."

Used to do that one to taunt someone in the group. Telling it with them as the gay hitchhiker.

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:15 am**

2dimes wrote:Another time Patches was driving for Monarch trucking with his monkey. On a long desert highway cool wind in his hair. He picked up a hitch hiker. They drive a way and suddenly he slaps the monkey. It flies across the cab of the truck. Shakes it off scrambles back over to Patches and gives him head just like the guy in OP.

The hitch hiker decides to just play cool and not ask questions.

After a while Patches back hands the monkey again, same deal. After the monkey is done Patches asks, "You wanna try?" The hitch hiker says...

That reminds me of the bear hunting joke.

2dimes notices its black powder bear hunting season so he carefully loads up his black powder musket and heads off into the woods. He spots a bear in a clearing eating berries. 2dimes takes aim, holds his breath and squeezes the trigger. BOOM! A big cloud of smoke. Smoke clears, there's no bear.
There is a tap on 2dimes shoulder, he turns around. Its the bear. The bear says- "Look man, you just tried to kill me. Way I see it is you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or you get on your knees and give me head."
2dimes doesn't wanna humilate himself like that but he also doesn't want to die. In the end 2dimes gets on his knees and does what he has to do to survive.
Later, back at home, the more 2dimes thinks about it the angrier he gets. Hell with black powder season, 2dimes grabs his double barrel shotgun, loads a couple of shells and heads off into the woods determined to kill that fucking bear. He finds the bear in the same clearing eating berries.
2dimes takes real careful aim this time. Holds his breath and squeezes off both barrels. KA-BOOM!!!! Big cloud of smoke, smoke clears, no bear.
There is a tap on 2dimes shoulder. He turns around, its the bear. Bear says- "You know what to do."
Back at home, 2dimes is really angry now. He grabs his fifty caliber breach loaded elephant gun, loads a round and heads back into the woods to kill that fucking bear.
2dimes finds the bear in the exact same clearing. He steadies the elephant gun, aims down and squeezes the trigger. KA-KA-BOOM! Big cloud of smoke. Smoke clears, no bear. There is a tap on 2dimes' shoulder and he turns around. Its the bear. The bears says-
"You ain't in this for the hunting, are you?"

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:17 am**

2dimes wrote:
patches70 wrote:
2dimes wrote:Another time Patches was driving for Monarch trucking with his monkey. On a long desert highway cool wind in his hair. He picked up a hitch hiker. They drive a way and suddenly he slaps the monkey. It flies across the cab of the truck. Shakes it off scrambles back over to Patches and gives him head just like the guy in OP.

The hitch hiker decides to just play cool and not ask questions.

After a while Patches back hands the monkey again, same deal. After the monkey is done Patches asks, "You wanna try?" The hitch hiker says...

"OK but don't hit me as hard as the monkey."

Used to do that one to taunt someone in the group. Telling it with them as the gay hitchhiker.

Hahah, ok I remember now. I knew it was something like that. Good one! I told that joke except it was in a bar and it wasn't a monkey, it was an alligator.
<chuckles> Yeah, that's a good joke.

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:04 am**

I like the bear one better when the hunter runs down the hill, jumps over the log and the bear taps him on the shoulder then rapes him.

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:18 am**

You laugh but it was probably quite traumatic for the hunter.

Posted: **Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:34 am**

saxitoxin wrote:Stopped at a desolate rest stop in southern Oregon once driving north up the 5. Two hitchhikers from Utah had been stranded there for two days. I think they were going to harvest marijuana somewhere. Can't recall the name of that job. They said they hated Oregon because of the trees; they preferred the desert. I drove them as far as Grant's Pass where one of them thought he knew someone.

It's not possesive, it's just Grants Pass. Or, alternately, Shithole.

-TG

Conquer Club

Hitchhikers

Hitchhikers

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