Conquer Club

Rate the jokes above you 1=worst 5=funny sh!t

After rate must tell new joke

cannot be racist,offensive,or any of that stuff

yo mama jokes,joke jokes,story jokes,or any other jokes allowed

lets start then!!!

ill start with a yo mama joke....

yo mama so poor,her T.V. is an etch n' sketch!

now new person rate then tell

2.25

Yo moma armpits so hairy it looks like she got buckwheat in headlock

lol 3.4

two blondes and a brunette walk into a bar. Serving beer is Bill Gates. He puts 10 bottles on the table and tells them that 9 of them are filled with poison. He then says that if one of them picks and drinks the 1 that isn't poisonous he'll give all of them 5 billion dollars. So they all agree. The first blonde drinks 1 and she dies. The second blonde picks 1 and she also dies. The brunette picks 1 and she lives. Bill Gates asks her how she knew that was the 1 that wasn't poisonous and she said "easy, it's the only 1 without a poison label."

0... That joke sucked...

There is a rabbit being chased through the forest by a large brown bear, suddenly he jumps behind a bush and he spots a frog.
"Hello" the frog says to the rabbit and the bear, they stop the chase and stare down at the frog.
"Yes, yes I know frogs cant talk but I am a magic frog, and I will grant both of you three wishes each" says the frog.

The bear is very eager, pushes the rabbit out of the way and gets in there with his first wish:
"I wish all of the bears in this forest were female", there is a snap, and all the bears in the forest are then female.

The rabbit is not so eager but requests his wish nonetheless:
"I wish for a motorbike" he says, the bear is puzzled but there is a snap and a motorbike appears.

The bear makes his second wish
"I wish all the bears in this country were female!!!", boom, and it is done.

The rabbit makes his second with
"I wish for a crash helmet" he says, snap, and there is a crash helmet.

The bear cannot contain his excitement and shouts
"I wish all the bears in the world were female!!!", the frog is unsure, but grants the wish however, and all the bears in the world become female, the bear really cannot contain himself.

The frog then turns to the rabbit, "Well your wishes have been odd, but you have one left, I hope you have a good wish lined up"...

The rabbit smiles and says...

"I wish that bear was gay"

-5

keep the funny jokes coming

riskproplayer wrote:keep the funny jokes coming

0 that joke sucked so bad it didnt merit a joke coming after it.

Famous Last Words

"I'll get a world record for this."

"It's fireproof."

"He's probably just hibernating."

"What does this button do?"

"I'm making a citizen's arrest."

"So, you're a cannibal..."

"It's probably just a rash."

"Are you sure the power is off?"

"Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?"

"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"

"Pull the pin and count to what?"

"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

"I wonder where the mother bear is?"

"I've seen this done on TV."

"These are the good kind of mushrooms."

"I'll hold it and you light the fuse."

"Let it down slowly."

"Rat poison only kills rats."

"Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town."

"It's strong enough for both of us."

"This doesn't taste right."

"I can make this light before it changes."

"Nice doggie."

"I can do that with my eyes closed."

"I've done this before."

"Well, we've made it this far."

"That's odd."

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"

"Don't be so superstitious."

"Now watch this..."

"What duck?"

lol...i got 1

They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

Negative 14


The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

wow...1

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

0


In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.

"Noah !" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain ! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I
should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my
garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it
is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of
State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special
Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I
tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls - but no go !

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers
Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean
you're not going to destroy the world ?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government already beat me to it.

that was so bad it gets a -0 n it dnt even exists

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

You have no taste in jokes. How can you make a joke thread without knowung what a real joke is. I leave you with-42

watever if u cant tell jokes get the fudge out then

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

2 heard it before.





A guy calls in sick to work. He says, "I won't be comming in today, I have anal glacoma."

His supervisor replies, "Anal glacoma? What's that?"


The man says, "I can't see my ass comming in!"





What do you call 1 black guy being chased by 300 white guys?


The PGA Tour.

0


there were 10 blondes and one red head hanging from a rope off a cliff.

the rope was beginning to fray, so they decided that one of them would have to let go so the rope would not break and the others would be able to climb to safety.

The red head said "Ok, eveyone! I have lived a good life, so i have decided to let go and fall so that all of you can survive"
after hearing how brave this girl was, all of the blonds started clapping for her.

the blonds let go of the rope to clap and they all fell

(click the quote button to see what the small words say if you couldnt figure out the joke without a hint)


Edit: here is a second joke please rate the two seperately:


there were two blonds, one on each side of a river.
the first blond yelled "how do i get to the other side of the river?"
the second blond yelled "you are on the other side of the river!"

I think both are about a 3

Written on medicine bottle: Side affects include dizziness and drowsiness. In serious cases, death may occur. If so consult a physician.

neh 3.5


One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

4

five scientists are researching life after death. We have yet to hear from them

1

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

2


Here's a joke; the Seattle Mariners baseball team once traded Derek Lowe and i believe Jason Varitek for Heathcliff Slocumb. if you dont know baseball, this isnt funny, but if you do, you are rolling ur eyes right now cuz the Mariners are retarded

im not a fan, so i cant rate it.

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."