Welcome to rating jokes!!!!

[thephule77]

1, lay off the sick jokes for a while. I forget the kawala one tell that one.

[slash1890]

That one wasn't sick.

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead!

Q: Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapled to the first one!

Q: Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was playing follow the leader!

Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: It thought it was a Koala!

[gavin_sidhu]

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms!

This is Okay.

What's three feet tall and gives me head?

My son!

This is too far.

[slash1890]

Why did Sally fall off her bicycle?

Because I threw a referigerator at her!

[Bob The Bomber]

2. Better than baby jokes.

A guy wants to buy a parrot. He goes to the pet store and the clerk shows him three. "This one costs $500" he said." "$500?!" the man replied, "Why?" "Because it knows how to use a computer." They moved to the next parrot. "This one costs $1000." "WHAT? Why does it cost more?" "It can do everything the first one can, plus repair a computer." They walk to the last parrot. "And this one is $2000!" "Dare I ask what it can do?" "Hmm... actually, I've never seen it do anything, but the other two call it boss."

[gavin_sidhu]

2.75


David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."


This ones a bit long winded:
It's just before the England vs Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"

[Bob The Bomber]

4.3. Nice.
Don't have a joke.

[slash1890]

http://www.funnypicturesandcartoons.com/?w=Cartoons/Allergic%20to%20Girls.jpg

[wcaclimbing]

ok slash, heres a joke for you:

what goes in one end as a solid, and comes out the other end as a liquid?

a baby crawling into a woodchipper!!!

[haha]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[slash1890]

Yay!

Blonde jokes range 2-4.

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?

Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

[kc-jake]

Slash, just quit.

The Hairy Dog
There was this paint firm in Brisbane, Australia. Business had been slow recently, and in order to drum up sales, they decided to run a competition. The prize would be 1000 gallons of paint, to whoever could produce a dog that had exactly 1000 hairs. Several people entered, but nobody had a dog with exactly 1000 hairs.

Eventually news of the competition reached Bill and Tom, two sheep farmers in the outback.
"Hey Bill," said Tom, "why don't we enter this competition, our farm could do with a lick of paint, and we've got 5 dogs, maybe one of them has got exactly 1000 hairs."
"No harm in trying, I suppose.", Bill replied.
So they called the dogs in, got hold of the first one, and began to count its hairs. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail. Nope, that one didn't have 1000 hairs. So they got the second dog. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail. Nope, that one didn't have 1000 hairs. Third dog. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail. Nope. Fourth dog. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail. Nope. Fifth. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail. Nope, that one didn't have 1000 hairs either. "Oh well, it was worth a try.", said Tom. "I'm going out to check on the sheep now, will you get the supper ready?"
"Sure." replied Bill.

So Tom went out on his horse to check the sheep were all safely fenced in for the night. A couple of hours later, as he was on his way back, his horse suddenly reared up, as a shaggy, dishevelled black animal crawled out of the bushes. Tom dismounted, and went to check it out. As he got nearer, he heard a faint whimper, and he could tell the animal was in some pain. It wasn't till he was almost on top of it that he recognised what it was. "Well, I'll be.." he muttered. The animal was old Rex, the lead sheepdog on the farm, who had gone missing several months ago. He had obviously been living wild, and was half starved and injured.

"Come on Rex, let's get you back to the farm, see if we can fix you up."
He carefully picked up the dog, and was just about to strap him onto his horse, when he had an idea. What if Rex had exactly 1000 hairs? So he quickly but carefully started to count them. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

Tom galloped back to the farm, and burst through the door. "Bill!, Bill!" he shouted, "you'll never guess, I've found old Rex..."
"What, old Rex? Used to be our lead dog, went missing several months ago?" interrupted Bill, "I thought he'd be dead by now."
"Well he is, nearly, but..."
"Well, bring him in then, let's fix him up, and hurry up, your supper's getting cold," interrupted Bill again.
"Bill!! Will you listen!? he's got exactly 1000 hairs!"
"What?!"
"1000 hairs! You know, the paint competition!"
"You sure?"
"Yes, count them yourself if you don't believe me!"
So Bill started to count Rex's hairs. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

They made plans to catch the train to Brisbane in the morning, and went to bed. When they awoke, they had a hurried breakfast, and got Rex ready. He was looking and feeling a lot better after being washed and fed. Just before they left they decided to check one more time, just to be sure. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

They arrived at the train station, and went up to the window to buy tickets.
"Two returns to Brisbane, please." Tom said to the attendant.
"That dog going with you? You'll have to pay extra for him, you know."
"He certainly is coming with us, and we don't mind paying extra, he's going to win us 1000 gallons of paint."
"Oh yeah, how's that then?"
"This is the dog with exactly 1000 hairs" said Tom proudly.
"1000 hairs? Nah, don't believe it." sneered the attendant.
"Well count them yourself then!."
"All right, I will!"
Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

They left the dumbfounded attendant and boarded the train. After a few stops, a businessman boarded the train and entered their compartment.
"Would you mind moving that mutt off the seat, I'd like to sit down." He said.
"That's a very valuable dog, I'll have you know." replied Bill.
" Doesn't look like it to me, what's so special about it?"
" He's got exactly 1000 hairs." said Tom proudly.
"1000 hairs? you're kidding, aren't you?"
"Count them yourself if you don't believe it."
So the businessman started counting. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

When they got to Brisbane, they realised they had no idea how to get to the paint firm's offices, so they asked a passer by for directions.
"What do you want to go there for?" he asked them.
"We've got a dog with exactly 1000 hairs."
"What, really? Can I count them?"
"Sure."
Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!
"So, can you give us directions?" asked Bill when he'd finished.
"Sorry mate, no idea." said the man.

They decided the best thing to do would be to take a taxi. They flagged one down, and got in with the dog.
" I'm not having that mongrel in my cab!" snarled the driver.
" This dog is going to win us a big prize." said Tom.
"Oh yeah, why's that then?" asked the cabbie.
"This dog has exactly 1000 hairs."
"Nah."
"Yeah. Wanna count them ?"
"All right." Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

They eventually arrived at the paint firm's offices, and went up to the reception desk.
"Good morning, how can I help you?" asked the receptionist.
"We've come for the competition."
"What, you mean the Hairy Dog competition?"
"Yes, that's right, we've got a dog with exactly 1000 hairs."
"Have you indeed? do you mind if I count them?"
"Not at all."
Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!
" Amazing! Looks like you're going to win the prize! Take the elevator to the 35th floor, go in the 2nd door on the right, marked Hairy Dog Competition Waiting Room, and wait for the judges to call you in."

So Bill, Tom and the dog went over to the elevator and waited. When it arrived, the doors opened and the lift attendant said,
"Which floor, Sirs?"
"35th, please."
"35th? That's the The floor where they judge the Hairy dog competition! don't tell me you've got a dog with exactly 1000 hairs?!"
"We certainly have."
"Is that it there?"
"It certainly is."
"Can I count them?"
"You certainly can."
Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

They got out at the 35th floor, found the waiting room, and sat down. After about 5 minutes a man came out of the judging room, carrying a rather sparsely - haired poodle.
"Er, you haven't won the competition have you?" asked Bill anxiously.
"No, Fifi's only got 500." said the man." I didn't think she'd win really, but I thought I'd enter her just in case. Why, do you think your dog's got a chance?"
"It's a dead cert, mate." replied Tom.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Why don't you count them and find out?"
"OK, I will."
Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs!

After a short while a judge poked his head through the door and called, "Next please.", and Bill, Tom and Rex went in. Inside the room was a big table with 12 rather bored looking judges sitting round it.
"Name?" asked the chief judge.
"Bill." said Bill.
"Tom." said Tom.
" No, I meant the dog." said the judge exasperatedly.
"Oh, sorry, it's Rex." said Bill.
The chief judge put Rex on the table, and all the judges had a turn at counting his hairs. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs! Gradually, as each successive judge arrived at the same total, the atmosphere in the room got more and more intense and exciting. When it got to the last judge's turn, the atmosphere was at fever pitch. The last judge began to count, very slowly and painstakingly. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997, 998, 999, 1000! Exactly 1000 hairs! A mighty cheer resounded around the room, and everyone was slapping each other on the back, until the chief judge banged the table to restore order. " Well it certainly seems that you've won the prize, BUT, in accordance with the rules, and just to make it official, we have to put Rex in the Automatic Hairy Dog Counting Machine. It's just a formality really."
"Fine." said Bill and Tom.
Two technicians then wheeled the machine in, which looked like an oversize fish tank, with a motor on top and a mechanised hand inside. On the side was a number counter. The chief judge put Rex in the machine, closed the door, and pressed the start button. The machine began to click and whirr, and the mechanised hand came down and started to count Rex's hairs. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail.......whirr.. click!.. 997,......whirr.. click!... 998,......whirr.. click!... 999,......whirr.. click!.......... ..................The machine stopped!! Stuck on 999!! Bill and Tom ran over to the machine and started to bang and shake it, to no avail.
"I'm sorry," said the chief judge, " but I can't award you the prize. The rules state that the dog's hairs have to be counted by this machine, and your dog appears to be one hair short of the required total."
"What?!!" screamed Bill and Tom, getting hysterical. "You can't be serious! There must be something wrong with your machine! we KNOW that dog has exactly 1000 hairs! We counted it ourselves! The ticket attendant at the station counted it, a businessman on the train, a man we asked for directions, the taxi driver, the receptionist downstairs, the lift attendant, the man with the poodle, and all 12 of you judges, and each time it had exactly 1000 hairs! We demand a recount!"
The chief judge thought for a minute, then said, "OK, as you've come so close, I'm prepared to make an exception. Here's what I propose. The 12 judges and you two will all count the hairs again, together. But you must agree to accept whatever total we arrive at. Do you agree?"
"Fair enough, we agree." said Bill and Tom, and signed a form to that effect. Rex was taken out of the machine, and the fourteen people all crowded round and began to count the hairs. Up the front legs, over the head, down the neck, along the back, down the back legs, along the tail....... 997,..... 998,....... 999,................... That was all!!
The dog definitely had only 999 hairs! Bill and Tom burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. The judges, who had hoped that Rex would win, so they could all finally go home to their families, started to cry as well. The atmosphere in the room got to Rex as well, and he started to whimper and howl and cry. The Automatic Hairy Dog Counting Machine began to make mechanical crying noises. Even the moth on the wall started crying.

Ever seen a moth bawl?

[Skittlesandmnms]

2

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender brings him the beer and asks him if he's been here before. The guy says no, so the bartender informs him of a promotion they are doing. If you can do 3 impossible tasks, you can have free beer for life. The guys replies "what the hell, let's give it a go."

The bartender says the tasks are to kill an incredibly strong lion in the back room, pull the teeth of an 18-foot alligator, and have sex with the worlds most attractive woman upstairs.

The man sets off to kill the lion. For about 15 minutes, all you can hear is the most god awful screaming, hissing, cussing, horrible rucus imaginable. He comes back and asks where the alligator is.

The bartender say's its behind the bar, and to the left.

The man seeks out the alligator, and for about 30 minutes, the noises coming from there are much worse than before. The most wretched noises are coming out from there.

He comes back looking triumphant and asks "Where's that babe who needs her teeth pulled?"

[slash1890]

3

So this guy walks into a restaurant, and waits to be seated.

After a minute, a waiter seats him, and asks him what he wants to drink.

“A diet Coke,” he said.

“I’m sorry, but we only serve Pepsi products here. Will that be okay?”

“Erm, no, a water will be fine, thanks.”

“Alright then, sir. Can I interest you in a salad while you’re waiting?”

“Sure. Thank you.” The waiter left and promptly brought him his salad, and a diet coke.

“A diet Coke?” asked the customer, surprised.

“Yes sir, I ran to the convenience store across the street for you,” the waiter said, proudly.

“Wow,” the customer thought, ‘What a dedicated waiter. I could use a man like him at my office!”

The man then took a bite of his salad, and died of E. coli poisoning.

[vtmarik]

4, simply since its topical.

How many Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark saying "Why did this happen to me? I'm sorry."

[neildrill]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

[wcaclimbing]

heres another one slash:

what do you do if you forget to buy spaghetti sauce for a neighbors dinner party?

drop your newborn in the blender!

[slash1890]

That's beyond clever, and just stupid.

How does a mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He works it out with a pencil.

[Bob The Bomber]

Heh, 3.

A guy walks into bar and says ow.

[thephule77]

0, that sucked.




A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me the president
2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working class.
5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

"Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper So, the
little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and sees his father
in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I
understand the concept of politics now:

The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about"

The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class,
while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit"

[Utafar]

OMG 5

[strike wolf]

It would be funnier if it wasn't true.

[Utafar]

:sigh:

[slash1890]

It would be funnier if it wasn't so predictable.

[Nitro22]

a little boy and his dad are walking in a park when the boy asks,
"dad? how do you make babies?"

"well son.......making a baby is a bit like baking a cake"

"oh. ok."

the boy stops asking questions.later that night he sees his mum and dad having sex.in the morning he say to his dad,

"you and mum were making a cake last night weren't you dad?"

"yes son. hoe did you tell?"

"i saw the icing on mum's leg."