If you built Noah's Ark.......

[Gillipig]

Is there any animal you'd refuse access?


(That's a sneaky way of asking if there is any animal you wish didn't exist.)

[Dukasaur]

Is there any animal you'd refuse access?

Humans. Just disgusting.

(That's a sneaky way of asking if there is any animal you wish didn't exist.)

Really? Never would have figured that out!

[jonesthecurl]

Pigs. of the subspecies Gilli.

[Gillipig]

Is there any animal you'd refuse access?

Humans. Just disgusting.

(That's a sneaky way of asking if there is any animal you wish didn't exist.)

Really? Never would have figured that out!

That's why I added it, so that thick people like you could understand what I mean .

Pigs. of the subspecies Gilli.

You sure you wouldn't want to eat my subspecies instead? Gillipigs are delicious!

[notyou2]

If the snake was the devil in the garden of Eden, why did god insist Noah take 2 of each snake species?























Are god and the devil colluding?

[TA1LGUNN3R]

Are god and the devil colluding?

[Lootifer]

Zebras. Theyre basically just hipster horses.

[Gillipig]

Maybe the horses should go then. I kinda like those hipster horses.

[2dimes]

If the snake was the devil in the garden of Eden, why did god insist Noah take 2 of each snake species?
Are god and the devil colluding?

I think that particular snake was just possessed, kind of like those pigs that ran off the cliff.

The bigger questions for me are, did all snakes talk? when did they stop? if they did not all talk, did Eve not find it odd that one was?

[BigBallinStalin]

Eve was doing drugs.

[Gillipig]

If the snake was the devil in the garden of Eden, why did god insist Noah take 2 of each snake species?
Are god and the devil colluding?

I think that particular snake was just possessed, kind of like those pigs that ran off the cliff.

The bigger questions for me are, did all snakes talk? when did they stop? if they did not all talk, did Eve not find it odd that one was?

I think it's just a story 2dimes.

[2dimes]

You do?

[saxitoxin]

You sure you wouldn't want to eat my subspecies instead? Gillipigs are delicious!

So this whole thread is just a thinly veiled solicitation for oral sex?

[Gillipig]

You do?

Yes. But I've heard some don't. It's just like Lord of the Rings, most of us know it's not real but some people read those books like it's the bible...................oh how I hate that expression.

[notyou2]

You sure you wouldn't want to eat my subspecies instead? Gillipigs are delicious!

So this whole thread is just a thinly veiled solicitation for oral sex?

If you mean a talking snake, then yes.

[macbone]

Man, I'm glad Noah remembered the star-nosed moles.

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And the naked mole rats, too!

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But man, the poor unicorns got screwed. You think they enjoyed swimming for forty days and nights?

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It's funny how this crazy apocalyptic tale became the stuff of children's nursery decor. Almost the entire population of living creatures on Earth gets wiped out. Death on such a scale isn't repeated again until the Book of Revelation. And so we paint cute little Noah's arcs on nursery walls with the giraffes and elephants and everything.

But you know, Noah's reaction makes pretty good sense. What does he do after the floods recede? He plants a vineyard and gets completely hammered. The entire population of Earth just got wiped out, except for you and your family? If that's not the time to get drunk, then when is?

[universalchiro]

If the snake was the devil in the garden of Eden, why did god insist Noah take 2 of each snake species?

The snake was possessed by the devil. Two separate beings, hence two separate and distinct curses were placed on both. The snake was cursed greater than all the other creatures by having to crawl on it's belly. The devil didn't receive this curse, only the snake. The devil received a different curse all together. Genesis 3. So they are not one and the same...

[universalchiro]

You sure you wouldn't want to eat my subspecies instead? Gillipigs are delicious!

So this whole thread is just a thinly veiled solicitation for oral sex?

This is the depravity of the evolution of Gillipig's corrupt heart. I expect nothing but this lack of quality in his response. That is why he is foed by me.

[BigBallinStalin]

You sure you wouldn't want to eat my subspecies instead? Gillipigs are delicious!

So this whole thread is just a thinly veiled solicitation for oral sex?

This is the depravity of the evolution of Gillipig's corrupt heart. I expect nothing but this lack of quality in his response. That is why he is foed by me.

You disagree with oral sex?

[Gillipig]

I never noticed that you foed me, but I take it as a compliment. If I got along with a religious nutjob I'd be very disappointed with myself.

[isaiah40]

This reminds me of this joke:

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

[notyou2]

If the snake was the devil in the garden of Eden, why did god insist Noah take 2 of each snake species?

The snake was possessed by the devil. Two separate beings, hence two separate and distinct curses were placed on both. The snake was cursed greater than all the other creatures by having to crawl on it's belly. The devil didn't receive this curse, only the snake. The devil received a different curse all together. Genesis 3. So they are not one and the same...

Why doesn't god just curse the devil to die or be sent to a place where he couldn't tempt man anymore?


Or is the devil just an invention of the church to keep man beholden to other men?

[jonesthecurl]

This reminds me of this joke:

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

That's a bunch of old poo, but this bit is a real gem, I love it.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.