Welcome to rating jokes!!!!

[wcaclimbing]

i dont get it

[wolf_man]

It was a wrong number. I give it a 2.75


Boycott shampoo!




Demand real-poo!

[ElMark]

groan - 0.2

Two condoms go walking past a gay bar. One says to the other, "Hey, you wanna go in and get shitfaced?"

[happysadfun]

Paris (AP). The French Government has announced that, in light of the Madrid bombings, France has raised the level of its terror alert from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels under the French system are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.”


Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer -A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer -A competent liberal President.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer -Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going,got there not knowing where he was,left there not knowing where he’d been and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
Q:How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. Liberals wouldn’t actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let George Bush fix it! It’s his fault it’s dark anyway!

A man bellies up to a bar muttering,”liberal a**holes”
A guy next to him says, “Hey I take offense to that”.
The man says, “Why, are you a democrat”.
"No" the guy says “I’m an a**hole”.

John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.” —Craig Kilborn
“Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit … he’s going to put it on his wife’s Gold Card.” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.” —Jay Leno

While investigating the recent “Mad Cow Disease” scare, the federal government was able to track the history of a cow suspected of carrying the disease from its current home in the state of Washington to its birthplace in Canada almost three years ago, right down to the stall.
They were also able to track down her off-spring and locate them on the farms they were sold to.
Conversly, there are 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country that the federal government seems incapable of finding.
SOLUTION: Give every illegal alien a cow.

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southerners? Read the following:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican Answer: BANG!
Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

John Kerry, Bill and Hillary Clinton are in a private plane.
Bill says: I could throw a $100 bill out the widow and make somebody very happy.
Hillary: I could throw 10 $10 bills out and make 10 people happy.
John Kerry: I could throw 100 $1 bills out and make 100 people happy.
The pilot, annoyed, whispers to his co-pilot: I could throw all three of them out and make millions of people happy.

[wolf_man]

an average of 2

During his daily briefing on the war in Iraq, Bush was informed that on that day alone, 15 Brazilian troops had been killed. Bush seemed inconsolable over this loss of life. Finally, he regained his composure and leaned over to Cheney and askd:

How many is in a Brazilian?

[wcaclimbing]

an average of 2

then you must be a liberal.

i gave those jokes all ratings between 4 and 5

and for the joke you posted, i give it a 3.

_______________________________________________________

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

[jay_a2j]

4.0




One day Hillary Clinton and Chuck Shumer were walking to the Senate when a little girl approaches them with a box of kittens. Hillary stops and asks the girl "Those are some cute kittens, what kind are they?" The little girl smiles and says, "They are Democrats". Hillary says, "Awe, thats sweet." and they continue to the Senate.

The next day Hillary and Barbra Boxer are walking back from lunch and Hillary sees the same little girl with the box. She tells Barbra, "You have to go see what that little girl has in her box." So the two women approach the little girl and Hillary asks, "You have some nice kittens there, what kind are they?" The little girl replies, "They are Republicans." Hillary a bit confussed says, "Yesterday you said they were Democrats, why the change?" The little girl smiles and says, "Yesterday they had their eyes closed".

[wcaclimbing]

2 someone else make a jkoke i dont have enough time right now

[slash1890]

That joke was first made as a stab against Republicans, with Bush and Cheney walking. No originality earns a 0.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Would you like a martini?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.

[Mirak]

2.5


Man walks into a bar...the blackboard menu reads:

Burger $4
Hot Dog $2
Hand Job $5

He looks and sees an old hag of a waitress
"Do you give the hand jobs?"

She smiles and nods with a wink

"In that case could you please wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich..."

[happysadfun]

I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein


There has been much speculation about a UFO incedent that occured on July 8, 1947. On that day an unidentified object, allegedly with five aliens aboard, crashed on a ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
It has been speculated that this well known incident has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!

You might be a liberal if . . .
You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.
You named your children Moonglow and Arizona.
You think the really alarming violence takes place outside the abortion clinic.
You’ve ever referred to the “root cause” of something.
You pray to “The Woman Upstairs.”
You think we never gave peace a chance.
You had to be told that “Manhattan,” “menopause” and “boycott” were not sexist words
You begin sentences with the words “I feel.”
Your driver’s license has a hyphen because for you one last name just isn’t enough.
You don’t think “All in the Family” is a very funny program, but watch it anyway because Meathead makes a lot of sense.
You think OJ is out looking for the real killers.
You think Julia Sugarbaker is an astute social commentator.
You think it takes a village.
You think that the words “to promote the general welfare” in the Constitution mean to promote welfare generally.
You think that, even though more people voted against him than for him in both the 1992 and the 1996 presidential elections, Bill Clinton had a mandate.
You think that conservatives, like preservatives, ought to be federally regulated.
You ever wore earth shoes.
You have ever wondered out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
You think the New York Times prints all the news that’s fit.
You think that Rush Limbaugh is just an entertainer.
You spent Columbus Day reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.
You reach the limits of your talent and then complain that you ran into a glass ceiling.
You wear more ribbons on your lapel than in your hair.
You think that the really dangerous McCarthy was Joe, not Eugene.
You blame the Unabomber’s parents.
You fail to see the connection between Lenin and Lennon.
You have ever agreed with Martin Sheen or Barbra Streisand.



Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Over 900 pages!
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That’s $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years,
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything!

Q: What’s the difference between Al Franken and a slab of formica?
A: Absolutely nothing.


Most jokes come from http://www.laughatliberals.com

[autoload]

That joke was too long.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[satanspaladin]

A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are.

"Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.

[AndyDufresne]

1.0

Killed the topic.


--Andy

[notyou2]

I'm kinda of glad all these people are gone. Their jokes SUCK.

[Dukasaur]

A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are.

"Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.

Now that was good!