Chuck Norris Facts

[Army of GOD]

[Streaker]

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.



-Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

[Frito Bandito]

Santa writes wish lists to chuck norris...

[Trephining]

Rocky V sucked because Chuck Norris said so.

[Trephining]

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

[Streaker]

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

You should see a doctor. Looks like you might have amnesia. He'll probably prescribe the tears from Chuck Norris

[cyrenius]

Only Chuck Norris is powerful enough to kill Chuck Norris, and even then he'd automatically replicate.

[army of nobunaga]

Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands.






Now they are just called "The Islands"

[bedub1]

Chuck Norris can hit a double-eagle on a par3.

[bedub1]

Chuck Norris can hit a double-eagle on a par3.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

[Frito Bandito]

Chuck Norris..... expects the Spainish Inquistion!

[shieldgenerator7]

I heard this really funny one...

Chuck Norris invented the color black. In fact, he invented all the colors, except for pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

haha, actually I think Chuck Norris himself made them all up... which rather spoils them for me.

[Timminz]

Bill Cosby once found something that Chuck Norris couldn't do, so Chuck invented racism.

[natty dread]

Chuck Norris once microwaved a burrito so hot that even Chuck Norris couldn't eat it.

Then he ate it.

[Sniper08]

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris isn't a name, it's a cause of death.

Chuck Norris doesnt need Twitter...he is already following you.

When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."

[BigBallinStalin]

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris isn't a name, it's a cause of death.

Chuck Norris doesnt need Twitter...he is already following you.

When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."

(haha, nice)

[Mr_Adams]

Chuck Norris will kill those who kill Chuck Norris facts with over use.

[Streaker]

Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of 18.

Seconds.


A few more for good measure:

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards, on 1 leg. Just to see how second place looks like.

Chuck Norris has a grizzlybear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead yet, he's just too scared to move.

[Pyrhhus]

After a hard night of partying Chuck Norris does not throw up, he throws down.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story. Chuck Norris once ate four turtles and a rat and when he crapped them out later they were 6 feet tall and knew karate.

A man in a bar once challenged Chuck Norris to a pissing contest in the alley behind the bar. The man drowned.

Chuck Norris once at 3 72-ounce steaks in less than an hour. And he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When traveling as a young man Chuck Norris spent a night at a convent, impregnating every single one of the nuns there. The children conceived on that night would grow up to be the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated American football team.

Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

A man once tried to tell Chuck Norris that a roundhouse kick is not the most efficient way to kill someone. This is widely regarded by historians as the stupidest thing ever done.

There was actually a fourth Wise Man present at the birth of Jesus Christ and it was Chuck Norris who gave to baby Jesus the gift of beard, which Jesus treasured and wore all his life. Angry at this, the other three Magi conspired to have Chuck Norris removed from the Gospels. Soon after, all three men died mysterious, unsolved, roundhouse kick-related deaths.

Last time you were away on a business trip Chuck Norris had sex with your wife.

Muslim extremists can no longer promise aspiring suicide bombers 71 virgins in heaven. The best they can offer is 71 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA that he could survive the heat of reentry without the aid of any equipment. So, on April 22nd, 1987, a naked and unharmed Chuck Norris touched down just outside Flagstaff, Arizona. NASA still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Immediately after the transaction Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every Thursday.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

Chuck Norris invented the Internet.

Coincidentally, Chuck Norris actually lives in a round house.

Computer programs know better than to require Chuck Norris to read software license agreements.

Chuck Norris does not hunt, for hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to November 22, 1963 and stopped the bullet bound for JFK with his beard. So awed by Chuck Norris' magnificent presence, however, JFK had an immediate and fatal heart attack.


And yes, those were all from memory. I need more to do with my brain. Slightly off topic:

The phrase, "I pity the fool." was first coined when God created the Universe without asking Mr. T's permission.

[jimboston]

Chuck Norris understands that the dice on Conquer Club are in fact random and hence does not complain when he loses several rolls in a row..

He doesn't lose any rolls.... EVER.

[isaiah40]

Chuck Norris's mind is connected to the internet. He refreshes web pages by blinking.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the world's economy.

Chuck Norris never won an Academy Award for acting in any of his movies - because he's not acting.

For undercover work, Chuck Norris pins his badge under his shirt, directly onto his chest.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - except the definition of mercy.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

One of the things Chuck Norris will not roundhouse kick is time; unless it tries to tell him what time it is.

Remember the Soviet Union? They disbanded after watching a Delta force marathon on satellite TV.

America is not a Democracy. It's a Chucktatorship.

To eliminate obsolete pennies, Chuck Norris stretches them into 5 dollar bills - Since Lincoln is on both anyways.

If you work with Chuck Norris in an office, don't ask him for his three-hole punch.

[shieldgenerator7]

If you work with Chuck Norris in an office, don't ask him for his three-hole punch.

Chuck Norris doesn't work in an office because he doesn't fit in a cubicle.

[Pyrhhus]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

[john9blue]

Chuck Norris has been said in jest to be able to do many things normally deemed impossible for a human, due to his status as a cultural icon.

[Victor Sullivan]

Chuck Norris makes the speed of light wish it was faster.

The world won't end on May 21st 2011 unless Chuck Norris says so.

-Sully