SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[MagnusGreeol]

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I love them... I was lying to get sex!

- My question is, Did he also say he loves you?

[betiko]

Doctor, doctor! I'm pretty sure I have vaginal herpes!

Robert, I think you a bit hypocondriac

[MagnusGreeol]

- Two old men are walking in the woods when they come across an enormus grizzly bear not more than 300 feet away, one says " Would you look at the size of that thing, it's huge,,,and I think it just spotted us!?", The other man says " Well keep an eye on him while I put on my running shoes will ya", His friend says " Running shoes?,,You'll never be able to out run that monster!",,As the old man putting on the running shoes says " I don't have to out run him, I just gotta out run you")

[betiko]

do yu know the story of Paf the dog?

One day, he tries to cross the road, and Paf! the dog.

[Razorvich]

updated to here

[Bigroo4601]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

[dakky21]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

[guido74]

I invested all my money in a Jelly-Filled Pastry business....I hope it's not a Paczki Scheme.

[Mad777]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

show

[blacky365]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[jielkingthegreat]

Watch out not for the weak hearted.

Someday a girl celebrating her 18th birthday asks her dad for the jeep in the driveway to go see her friends who gathered up to make her a party, so she asks, and he replies with a firm (NO), she comes back with awwww dad it's my bday and all my friends are or will be there i need to go, and the father replies well the jeep is nice and comfy in that driveway and it is mine so i dont have to let you have it, Daughter replies awwwww c'mon Dad let me use it i will be extra careful, i am willing to do anything to go see my friends.... Hmmmmm anything the father replies....hmmm okay if you want the jeep get on your knees and do me a BJ..... OMFG are you serious dad you are asking your own daughter to give you a BJ, wow unbelievable, Well the father replies by saying i dont have to let you drive it and i dont owe you nothing so up to you if you want to go see your friends, So she decides to do what he asks for to have the jeep, and half way down she stops and says...OMFG it tastes like shit...Byark.... father replies yeah i know earlier on your brother needed $100 for a new bike......

[owenshooter]

Watch out not for the weak hearted.

Someday a girl celebrating her 18th birthday asks her dad for the jeep in the driveway to go see her friends who gathered up to make her a party, so she asks, and he replies with a firm (NO), she comes back with awwww dad it's my bday and all my friends are or will be there i need to go, and the father replies well the jeep is nice and comfy in that driveway and it is mine so i dont have to let you have it, Daughter replies awwwww c'mon Dad let me use it i will be extra careful, i am willing to do anything to go see my friends.... Hmmmmm anything the father replies....hmmm okay if you want the jeep get on your knees and do me a BJ..... OMFG are you serious dad you are asking your own daughter to give you a BJ, wow unbelievable, Well the father replies by saying i dont have to let you drive it and i dont owe you nothing so up to you if you want to go see your friends, So she decides to do what he asks for to have the jeep, and half way down she stops and says...OMFG it tastes like shit...Byark.... father replies yeah i know earlier on your brother needed $100 for a new bike......

i don't understand what the Black Jesus had to do with this family... THE ARISTOKRATS!!!! the black jesus has gone over 98% of your heads...-Jésus noir

[iAmCaffeine]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

LOL.

[lokisgal]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


"Aye Matey!"

[takman2k]

This one time... at Band Camp, I...
Well, flutes will fit, but it gets a bit rigid around the keys.

[BoganGod]

What did the cervix say to the gynaecologist?

Dilated to meet you.

[Winged Cat]

Bonus points for trying to come up with something CC-related!

Hey, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to try to do this in style.

So! New day, new joke. (And I promise not to, for this thread, merely link to least favorite map and say, "that IS the joke".) Not sure how long I'll keep at it, but...

A trio of beta testers were trying out a small map, with single starting locations where if you lost them all your armies would go neutral (like Antarctica, but only one base per player). They tried it on nuclear spoils. As if they had tempted fate, one of them soon drew all three starting locations, and was of a mind to play them. Just before doing so, the tester chatted, "don't worry 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be all white."

[Paddyohale]

I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity.

show

[bluesblazzer]

whats black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
a doberman
(my daughter at second grade )

[owenshooter]

THE ARISTOCRATS!!!!



anyone? anyone? hello? is this thing on... the black jesus is trying!!-Jésus noir

p.s.-still over 98% of your heads...

[Man from Modesto]

Billy comes home from church with a black eye.
"How did you get a black eye at church?" Mom asks.
"You know Mrs. Brown? She was in the pew in front of me. When we stood up for psalms, she was shifting around so much... I noticed her skirt was stuck in her crack. Then she tried putting her hands in her pockets and pulling both outwards. That only turned her pockets inside out." Billy explained.
"But how did you get the eye?" Mom interrupted.
"I realized she needed help. So, I reached over and pulled it out."

Next Sunday, Billy returns home with another shiner.
"What happened this time?" Mom asks.
"Turns out, Mrs. Brown was in front of me again during psalms. She had the same skirt and the same problem. Next to me was Jimmy and he reached over and pulled it out. But I knew she liked it that way, so I reached over and tucked it back in."

[Occluded Front]

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?




Llamanated

[jfm10]

a rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink,,,the bartender tells him to get out cause he doesn't serve ropes.
the next day the rope goes into the bar and asks for a drink...the bartender tells him he doesn't serve ropes and to get out.
next day the rope unravels the strands on one end and loops his belly and goes into the bar and asks for a drink.
the bartender looking abit confused asks but aren't you a rope?the rope replies"nope...im a frayed not"

[bdb]

A guy walks in to a bar and sits down. "Give me a beer" he says to the bartender.
The bartender pours him a beer. As the guy is sipping the berr the bartender says
"that'll be $3.50".

"Oh no", says the guy, "I said GIVE me a beer and you did".

The bartender is pretty pissed off and turns to the only other customer in the bar,
a local attorney. "Did you hear that?" he asks. "Yes", says the attorney, "and he is correct,
you gave him a beer and can't charge him."

"OK", says the bartender turning to the guy, "you get out and never come back in here"

The guy leaves. About an hour later he comes back in the bar and sits down. "Hey", says the
bartender, "I told you to never come back in here". Looking innocent and shocked the guy
says "What are you talking about? I have never been in here before in my life".

The bartender looks at the guy closely and laughs "Well, you must have a double".

"I will", says the guy "and give the attorney one too!"

[MagnusGreeol]

- A woman tells her husband she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts, the husband says" You don't need surgery to enlarge your breasts, I know a way without surgery, The woman looks at her husband confused and says " What do you mean I wouldn't need surgery?" He tells her " Just rub some toilet paper between them", she looks at him " How will that make my breasts larger!??", Husband says" I don't know but it worked for your ass".