SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[takman2k]

This one time, at band camp... Oh wait ive already done that, heh the jokes on me. I should really get up and type something when i think i have a really good idea. However, im in a dream, dont have to pee, nice and dark in the house, and no one coming over at 4am asking for a grocery list. I sometimes leave my door unlocked or open(especially our 70 degrees F high winters). Some people ask me or commend and ask me why do i have the door unlocked, etc. I tell them if im "going OUT" in this bad neighborhood, id rather have them get it over with quickly. I dont have any valuables. My tv was $171 USD total, and my $400 computer that was bought in Aug 2008, is now reaching 9 yrs old.
I tell you this cause im posting this on CC and if anyone feels the need to come over, dont, you dont need to and the value isnt great enough for your attempt. lol

[Charle]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did!

[zipper66]

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.


The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"


The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I`ll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"


The third midget joins in with, "I`m going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let`s go!"


So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.


When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I`m in the record book!"


The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I`m in the
record book, too!"


The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that His friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on His face.


"What`s the matter?", His friends asked.


The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Razorvich?!?!"

[ElricTheGreat]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[happyfeet]

How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two one male and one female but i dont know how they got in there.

[djelebert]

Why catholics boyscouts always got side part hair?

show

[guido74]

Why did the Sun never set on the English Empire?

Because the Good Lord would never trust them in the dark.

[dakky21]

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

[b00060]

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

[Tobikera]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Man from Modesto]

Little boy asks his dad, Big Chief Flying Eagle, " How do tribal children get their names?"
Flying Eagle stands and waves his arms out, tracing the distant horizon. "When child born, father step out of teepee, look to East. Whatever great thing he see, this becomes name. When your sister, Jumping Doe came into the world, I looked and saw a doe jump high and run. If nothing moves on the earth or in the blue skies, then father choose any big thing related to new birth."

show

[misteryforall]

The son asks his father: 'What are the plum-colored?'
father- 'Blue.'
son-'So why is this red?'
father-'Because it's green. "

[MagnusGreeol]

-There was a preacher who was in the ocean when his boat sank and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

[Bigroo4601]

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

[dakky21]

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

++++1 like that one really hahahha

[dakky21]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

[Winged Cat]

Two for the price of one! (Because they're kind of half-jokes.)

What does it take for a Captain to get promoted? A major effort.

What does it take for a Major to get promoted? A colonel of strategy.

[LiveLoveTeach]

Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

[Charle]

A guy walks into the bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he is at the bar his monkey jumps all over the place and starts eating everything behind the bar. The monkey proceeds to jump onto the pool table, where he swallows the cue ball. The bartender screams “hey, your monkey ate the cue ball!”

The guy responds, “Sorry mate, he eats everything. I will pay for a new cue ball.”
He finishes his beer, gathers his monkey up, and leaves.
Two weeks later he returns, once again with his monkey. Again, he orders a beer and as he takes his first sip, the monkey jumps onto the table. He grabs a cherry and puts it into his bum.

The disgusted barman shouts “Did you see what your bloody monkey did?”
The guy says: “Yeah, he still eats everything in site. But since he swallowed the cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

[takman2k]

They catch this big Mob guy...
"We have ways of making you talk!"
He replies: "Like ordering food?"

[rizky_biznezz]

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

show

[Tobikera]

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

[spoiler=Answer]About three pounds, including the urn.[/spoiler]

[guido74]

Why did one CC player get offended and FOE an opponent on Das Schloss Map?

He dropped a deuce in the WC.

[MG Reuben]

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

[djelebert]

2 eggs talking in a fridge.

The 1st : Hey guy, why are you brown and hairy?

2nd : Moron, I'm a kiwi...