SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[Beast Of Burson]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit said "No".

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

[Theldin]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

[zipper66]

A man complains to his friend "My elbow hurts -- I'd better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," his friend volunteers. "There's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, and the computer will give you your diagnosis and a plan of treatment."

The man figures he has nothing to lose, so he goes down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he pours in the urine and deposits $10. The machine begins to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper pops out which reads:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening, after some contemplation, the man begins to suspect fraud and decides to test the machine. He mixes together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbates into the jar.

He takes this concoction down to the drug store, pours it into the machine, and deposits $10. The machine goes through the same process, buzzing and flashing before finally printing out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby -- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[Charle]

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

[guido74]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?


"Make me one with everything."

[MagnusGreeol]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

[MagnusGreeol]

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

[takman2k]

SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge

Sent: Sun, 18 Sep 2016 05:29:22 +0000
From: Razorvich
BCC: takman2k
Image

Thank you for your Joke entry.

HERE IS YOUR SMILEY CLUE:

P Image

Razorvich.

Heh, you P'ed on me today, lol.

[MagnusGreeol]

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.

The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.

The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?

The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.

The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

- *I missed a few days of posting,,just making up now ")

[LiveLoveTeach]

What do you get when you give Eevee a French stone?

show

[MagnusGreeol]

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.")>

[MagnusGreeol]

- Did you hear about the blind man that walked into a bar,,,,,, And a table,,,,, And a chair?

[MagnusGreeol]

- I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

[Theldin]

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

[Dukasaur]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Great one!

[MSpitts24]

native american squaw asks her dad the chief how her tribe's names are decided. he says father looks outside teepee and calls papoose/baby whatever he sees first. like running deer, sitting bull, etc. "why you ask, Two Dogs Fugging?"






























two

[Winged Cat]

Back in 1919, during Romania's invasion of Transylvania while the Hungarian Army was officially disarmed, one of said army's former officers - a count by heredity, not that he cared much for the title - was puttering around his mansion when there was a commotion outside. When he went to see what was going on, he found most of the nearby village running by in a panic. "Vat is going on?", he demanded.

The village's mayor replied, "The Romanians are invading! We're evacuating!"

The count smiled and shook his head. "No. Get everyone in here. I vill prepare a surprise for our guests, a little souvenir that my servants and I...'acquired' vhen our army disbanded." With that he ran off to the rear of the mansion, leaving the front doors wide open.

The surprised mayor took one look at the sturdy mansion, and began shouting and waving for everyone to take shelter inside. They did, hiding fearfully as the sound of marching soldiers grew closer and closer. Eventually the count returned, walking confidently. Before the villagers could ask what he had planned, there was the sound of engines and gunfire outside.

The mayor peeked through a window to see a squadron of armored war machines, painted with the count's coat of arms, routing the invaders. "Tanks?!?"

The count nodded. "You're velcome!"

[lokisgal]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[zipper66]

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about the various procedures."

The doctor says, "For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you'll need to have the procedure repeated year."

"Forget that one," she says. "What about the other options?"

"For $3000," the surgeon explains, "I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you'll still need a touch up every three years or so."

"No, that's no good either," the woman complains. "What about the last option?"

"For $5000," the doctor replies, "you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I'll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I'll tighten the screw."

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back!" she cries. "I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady, you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

[ElricTheGreat]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[pconnolly365]

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. 'This is great,' he thought and floored it some more.
He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. 'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

'Sir,' he said, looking at his watch. 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The State Trooper said, 'Have a nice day.'

[Charle]

I asked my grandma if she ever dod 69. She replied no the best she could do was 27 one night the sailors went to town

[guido74]

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.

The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

[macken]

A child tells his mother...

- Mom, the light can be eaten?

- No, my child, the light can not be eaten. Why do you say that?

- Because father told the maid, "turns off the light and shove it in your mouth"

[mrswdk]

How many Obamas does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, because the first one wore the wrong shoes to work again.