Joke thread

[Dukasaur]

We haven't had a joke thread in years, it seems.

(Not counting saxi's predictions.)
I'll start.

Why don't pirates clean themselves before they walk the plank?

Spoiler

They just wash up on shore.

[Pack Rat]

[KoolBak]

We haven't had a joke thread in years, it seems.

(Not counting saxi's predictions.)
I'll start.

Why don't pirates clean themselves before they walk the plank?

Spoiler

They just wash up on shore.

groan

[bigtoughralf]

I saw my neighbour shouting into his colander this afternoon. I said don't do that, you'll strain your voice.

[Dukasaur]

I saw my neighbour shouting into his colander this afternoon. I said don't do that, you'll strain your voice.

[Votanic]

One of my teachers in school had crossed eyes. She couldn’t control her pupils.
She was only an assistant teacher because she needed supervision.
Then her husband left her. He found out she was seeing somebody on the side.
They tried to get back together but just couldn’t see eye-to-eye.

[ConfederateSS]

-------There is a saying, water off a duck's back(remember the up coming joke)...Gutfeld even made a French Army surrender joke...I Have a friend who is Polish, proud of it...His daughter was in college, her professor (tested her)...Called her a Polack..."Did that offend you???",he asked..."No", she said...Her Father always calls her that, when she screws something up...Her liberal professor trying to shake things up...Sad... ...Lucky she was raised to laugh...
------- We have all heard the Polish light bulb jokes(not sure if they work with The New Math being taught in American Public Schools...)...

------- Anyway picture 2 mountains(The joke is better if drawn why telling)...There is a whore house on top of one mountain.... Coming down the Mountain is a man, A Finn,He's Finished...On top at the whore house...Is a Himalayan man,Him's a laying... ... Coming up the mountain is a Russian man, He is Russing to the top...Then there is a Polish man, His (you can use the professor's word), on the wrong mountain... ...... ConfederateSS.out!(The Blue and Silver Rebellion)... ...You wanted the joke thread back Duk...The World needs laughter...All kinds...

[DirtyDishSoap]

Vampire walks into a bar and orders a hot glass of water. Bartender asks "why a hot glass of water?"
The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says "I'm making tea!"

[Dukasaur]

Did you hear about the fashion designer who worked with a fusion of styles from India and Indonesia?

Spoiler

He called it the 'Saree, Sarong Number'.

[KoolBak]

This works better as a verbal joke, but damn....still....

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

*mike drop*

[Pack Rat]

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[Dukasaur]

This works better as a verbal joke, but damn....still....

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

*mike drop*

[Dukasaur]

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

[Pack Rat]

[ConfederateSS]

------For Christmas....and Santa Claus....
------- What do Elves learn in school???....The ELF-abet...

------- What is the difference between, The English alphabet and The Christmas (used at the North Pole) alphabet???....The Christmas alphabet has NO "L"... ... ConfederateSS.out!(The Blue and Silver Rebellion)...
----- MERRY CHRISTMAS C.C.LAND ...

[DirtyDishSoap]

Bit of a winded joke but here ya go.

Lady shows up to the butcher shop and notices some fish she's never seen.
"Scuse me, what kind of fish is that?"
"That's some dam fish"
"Im a Christian! I can't be using that kind of language!"
"Ma'am, it's fish they caught at the dam. Dam fish is what it's called"
"Oh." Feeling embarrassed. "I'll take some of the fish then."

She goes home, starts making dinner for the family when her husband comes home.
"That smells pretty good! What did you get?"
"Some dam fish from the butchers"
"HONEY! We're Christians! We can't use that kind of language! "
"No no sweetie, its fish from the dam. They call it dam fish"
"Ohh..." feeling also embarrassed. "Well, it smells great!"

Family gathers around, says their grace and the husband chimes in "honey, could you please pass me some dam fish?"
A brief moment of silence and their son has this big beaming smile on his face.
"Right on Dad. Hey mom! Pass me some of those fucking potatoes!"

[Votanic]

I just made this on up all by myself while puttering around the house today!

Q: Have you ever seen an Abominable Snowman?

A: Not Yeti.

[Dukasaur]

Nice!

[KoolBak]

What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bigtuffralph can't take a joke.

[Pack Rat]

[bigtoughralf]

I see KB's started on the Christmas sherries already. Enjoy the break!

What do you call an Italian man who's great at keeping secrets? Donatello.

[ConfederateSS]

--------This time , This joke , visualize is key...Picture A Snowman and A Snowwoman ...
-------- You know how a snowman is built... Remember, picture it...

-------- The Snowwoman says , "I baked you a carrot cake for your birthday..."...
-------- The Snowman says, "But I don't eat boogers...".... ... ConfederateSS.out!(The Blue and Silver Rebellion)...

[daddy1gringo]

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Spoiler

Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

[Pack Rat]

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

[pmac666]

Whats the quickest way to become a millionaire?
Give Donald Trump a billion and let him invest it for you.