Ask Wolffystyle

[Wolffystyle]

Hello all. My name is Wolffystyle. Well, that isn't really my name. (Imagine if as I was held in front of my parents on the day of my birth they shouted in unison; "Wolffystyle we shall call this, our firstborn.") No, my father was much too busy watching baseball to give a damn, and my mother's bellows drowned out any opportunity for the sane to hear my real name. I shall hereafter be referred to as Wolffystyle, or Wolffy.

That being said, with a little hubris, I open the forum to the general public to grill me with questions, any questions. I will expose myself to all of you! I am a sage. I have your answers. I'll get the first one, the question that has bugging the majority of you, out of the way: "Wolffystyle, what are you wearing right now?" Well, I am wearing Guess pajama bottoms and a Burger King paper-crown. I am wearing nothing else sans a seductive smile; come hither.

So come hither, my lieges, ask away.

Much Love,

Wolffystyle-san


postscript: Here are some sample questions-

"Wolffystyle, how did you get so smart?"
"Wolffystyle, where are you from?"
"Wolffystyle, what happens when you cross-breed a wolf and a fox?"
"Wolffystyle, what is your favorite map?"
"Wolffystyle, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a kit kat?"
"Wolffystyle, this girl in math class keeps looking at me and I want to ask her to the big dance, how should I do it?"
"Wolffystyle, tell me about the time you got near-molested in a Uruguayan supermarket."
"Wolffystyle, true or false?"
"Wolffystyle, I've seen you suggest in game chats that you may have been born with horns. Is this true?"

[Beckytheblondie]

Hello Wolffystyle!

Question: What sized bra do you wear, and if you don't wear a bra, what size would you wear if you had size C chesticles?

[Wolffystyle]

Hello Wolffystyle!

Question: What sized bra do you wear, and if you don't wear a bra, what size would you wear if you had size C chesticles?

Good question Beckytheblondie, thanks for asking it. The answer may surprise you. I do not wear a bra. However, if I had size C chesticles, I suppose I would buy a 'Bro' (of Seinfeld fame) in size B. If I had chesticles, I suppose that I would like to show them off by wearing tight clothes. This, of course, is purely hypothetical and speculative. Hell, while I know a lot of information, I'm not sure what chesticles are. Please do not tell me. Let me writhe in angst.

[bleutofu]

Is the cup half full or half empty?

[anonymousguy54]

Wolffystyle, tell me about the time you got near-molested in a Uruguayan supermarket.

[Wolffystyle]

Is the cup half full or half empty?

Good question bleutofu, thanks for asking it. The answer may surprise you. The cup, in fact, is one-third empty, one-third full and one-third impatient from incessantly being asked the same question. The cup, it reminds you, has feelings too and it would like to be asked how its day has gone.

[King_Herpes]

How incredible was it when you first had intercourse with a VO5 shampoo bottle? Is this deviant behavior quintessential of what we should expect from you in times to come?

[Mr Changsha]

I'm intruiged by your meaning of 'near-molested'. Did your admirer aim for the testicles/chesticles and veer wide, or are you considering 'near-molested' to have meant a second base incident? As in while you felt slightly flushed, you considered that you had kept your honour?

[Wolffystyle]

Wolffystyle, tell me about the time you got near-molested in a Uruguayan supermarket.

Good question anonymousguy54, thanks for asking it. The answer may surprise you.

A few years back while on holiday in Uruguay with some of my friends I had a very odd experience. Peculiar as the following tale may sound, it is not a strange as actual events that transpired in that SuperDisco Uruguayan market.

Wearing only board shorts, a t-shirt and sandals, I walked into the store with my friends to buy some essentials (read: beer). I wandered through the aisles as my friends filled up their shopping cart. As we paid and began to venture back out into the sun, I was interrupted by tapping on my shoulder. I turned around to find a rather tiny and gaunt security guard glaring at me. In Spanish he told me that I was a crook and that I must follow him to the back room. Fearing his nightstick, (and here's some foreshadowing), while not realizing that this stick would be the least deserving of my worries, I obliged. I followed into the back room where he slammed the door on me, stared me in the eyes and told me that I was a criminal and that I had stolen something. Well, I hadn't stolen a thing and I attempted to explain this is Spanish.

"What have I stolen? I have nothing!" I demanded.
The guard remained quite observant and still, then he lowered his stare towards my shorts; "It's in your pants" he said.
"Look, friend," I said, "I am wearing swim trunks. There is no room for anything in here. Look, no pockets! See! There is nothing here except for," and I'm shocked I had the opportunity to use this word in Spanish conversation, "my PENIS!"
"It's okay," he whispered.
"No! It's not okay!| I argued.
"Take off your pants or I will call the police, " He threatened.
"Please! Please call the police. I have nothing."
We sat in lengthy silence.
"Well?" I asked, "Are you going to let me go?"
"No!" he said as he reached towards my waistline. I jumped back and lunged for the door. He slammed it on my fingers.
"Let me go!" I shouted.
"It is okay. I will not hurt you. You are safe." He attempted to reassure me.
"You are crazy!" I laughed, "Let me go!"
"I will call the police and you will be sent to jail." He said.
"No, you will be sent to jail, creep." We sat in more silence.
With my hands covering my waist and my senses alert, I scowled back at this tiny, mustachioed security guard until he called in his manager. The two of them spoke aside for a moment and the manager requested that I leave immediately before he call the police. I ran out of the store to find my friends outside.

"What happened?" they asked me.
"You don't want to know." I concluded.

[Wolffystyle]

How incredible was it when you first had intercourse with a VO5 shampoo bottle? Is this deviant behavior quintessential of what we should expect from you in times to come?

Good question King_Herpes, thanks for asking it. The answer may surprise you.

'Incredible' fails to describe how it felt when, after hours of heavy petting and dry-humping, the bottle of VO5 shampoo succumbed to my advances. The noun I would use is: RAPTURE*

Here's a hint. Try to speak French to a bottle of V05. You may deceive it into thinking that you're a Paul Mitchell bottle or a Parisian premium brand. This will speed up your efforts.

This behavio(u)r is, indeed, the quintessence of who I am; of what I want to be.

* Please note that this was consensual and that the root word of Rapture (Latin: Rapere) which is also the root for the word RAPE has nothing to do with my VO5 experience.

[Wolffystyle]

I'm intruiged by your meaning of 'near-molested'. Did your admirer aim for the testicles/chesticles and veer wide, or are you considering 'near-molested' to have meant a second base incident? As in while you felt slightly flushed, you considered that you had kept your honour?

Good question Mr Changsha, thanks for asking it. You'll find the answer to your questions above.

Another way to be nearly-molested is to let the potential attacker on touch one chesticle in rapture. Two chesticles and it's officially assault. Know this. It may help you in court one day.

[King_Herpes]

How incredible was it when you first had intercourse with a VO5 shampoo bottle? Is this deviant behavior quintessential of what we should expect from you in times to come?

Good question King_Herpes, thanks for asking it. The answer may surprise you.

'Incredible' fails to describe how it felt when, after hours of heavy petting and dry-humping, the bottle of VO5 shampoo succumbed to my advances. The noun I would use is: RAPTURE*

Here's a hint. Try to speak French to a bottle of V05. You may deceive it into thinking that you're a Paul Mitchell bottle or a Parisian premium brand. This will speed up your efforts.

This behavio(u)r is, indeed, the quintessence of who I am; of what I want to be.

* Please note that this was consensual and that the root word of Rapture (Latin: Rapere) which is also the root for the word RAPE has nothing to do with my VO5 experience.

Thank you for your rigorous honesty, but what the people really want to know here is... Were there any animals harmed in the testing of this rapture and is this an eco-friendly shampoo that you were using? Please don't mitigate the importance of these concerns, we have a right to know!

[Wolffystyle]

Thank you for your rigorous honesty, but what the people really want to know here is... Were there any animals harmed in the testing of this rapture and is this an eco-friendly shampoo that you were using? Please don't mitigate the importance of these concerns, we have a right to know!

King_Herpes, this is one question that I cannot answer without consultation with my lawyer. I will assure you however, that we are taking all steps and precautions into assuring that no more hamsters will be harmed during all future raptures. Uh, I think that I may have already said too much...

[whitestazn88]

wolffystyle, whitestazn88 here, what are you initial reactions to the currently labeled level 5 possible pandemic Influenza A (H1N1), also known as swine flu (although inappropriately labeled, which caused the egyptian government to kill 300,000 pigs)?

in your guestimation, how good of dice do you think this infection will have against the world? straight 6s? or will the humans roll back with a horrifying double 6 to stomp this disease back to the stone age along with polio, mumps, tetanus, SARS (hah), avian flu, and herpes?

Click image to enlarge.

[azezzo]

Wolffystyle, i'm glad to hear that your uraguain vacation went well, but i also heard that back in high school your gym coach, mr. woodruff would routinely leer at you in the boys shower and one time was over zealous with his use of the paddle with you when you refused his advances, why do you think that you are the target for these advances, perhaps they are seeing something in you that you have yet to accept. Perhaps you should explore this further.

[Wolffystyle]

wolffystyle, whitestazn88 here, what are you initial reactions to the currently labeled level 5 possible pandemic Influenza A (H1N1), also known as swine flu (although inappropriately labeled, which caused the egyptian government to kill 300,000 pigs)?

in your guestimation, how good of dice do you think this infection will have against the world? straight 6s? or will the humans roll back with a horrifying double 6 to stomp this disease back to the stone age along with polio, mumps, tetanus, SARS (hah), avian flu, and herpes?

Good question whitestazn88, thanks for asking it. But, honestly, did you just ask a question about the slaughter of 300,000 pigs to a WOLF? I mean, are you trying to get me off or something? While I will categorically deny any involvement in the slaughter of the Egyptian pigs, I will agree that it was odd that each and all of their homes were huffed and puffed and blown all the way down before their untimely demise....

As far as how I believe this infection will succeed in its attacks against the world, I will have you look no further than to the borders of THE GLORIOUS NATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF NORTH KOREA who are currently toiling over the testing of ultra-accurate missiles which have the range and capacity to shoot down each and every rogue swine flu virus floating around the earth. One day, very soon, the rest of the world will be singing in praise of the North Koreans for successfully targeting and destroying all remaining strains of this virus that remain on the planet by means of missile. Overkill? No, not the North Koreans, they'll leave that to the Egyptians....

[ManBungalow]

Hello Wolffystyle.

I have been wondering for a long time, do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

On a lighter note, I have a problem. You see, I'm just too amazing. Everyone is always pestering me ("Oh, ManBungalow, your empire is so big, are you sure I can't buy exstensions for my empire?" and "Why is my empire so small!?").
How can I be more like you ??

[Wolffystyle]

Wolffystyle, i'm glad to hear that your uraguain vacation went well, but i also heard that back in high school your gym coach, mr. woodruff would routinely leer at you in the boys shower and one time was over zealous with his use of the paddle with you when you refused his advances, why do you think that you are the target for these advances, perhaps they are seeing something in you that you have yet to accept. Perhaps you should explore this further.

Good question azezzo, thanks for asking it. I also appreciate your advice. You've probably saved me $95 a session on psychotherapy. To remind myself of my high school days is to put too much stress upon my dried-up tear ducts. I continually wonder why I was the target for such advances and I constantly wonder what it was that enticed such lust. Perhaps it was the fact that I would do a sexy strip dance in the locker room before and after every gym period. Perhaps it was all the grease I would lather my adolescent body with daily. Perhaps it was because of my persistent shouting; "I'm a bad boy, someone spank me!" Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....but it probably wasn't any of these things. It's probably because my daddy didn't give me any attention when I was growing up. He was too busy watching baseball with Coach Woodruff at the bar.

[Wolffystyle]

Hello Wolffystyle.

I have been wondering for a long time, do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

On a lighter note, I have a problem. You see, I'm just too amazing. Everyone is always pestering me ("Oh, ManBungalow, your empire is so big, are you sure I can't buy exstensions for my empire?" and "Why is my empire so small!?").
How can I be more like you ??

Good question ManBungalow, thanks for asking it. Bald men wash their head with shampoo. Specifically, they wash their head with nearly-molested bottles of VO5 shampoo. The truth is that, inherent to being the sluts that they are, bottle of VO5 shampoo will break your heart, tell you that they no longer love you and that you will never see them again until, by mere accident on one May morning at the carnival with a Bald man named Dale.

If people are asking how to be more like you, I would suggest that you tell them to start with changing their name to ManBungalow. The second step would be to get major plastic surgery to look more like you. Then I would suggest to them to rummage around in your rubbish and secure as much confidential, personal and banking information they can get. He should kidnap your family in the middle of the night and then try to convince your family that he is actually you and that you are actually him. When your mom pulls out a fly-swatter and cries aloud shouting that she will swat who she believes is the ManBungalow impostor. You must look her in the eyes and remind her of the one time, back in the sixth grade, that she caught you with a bottle of V05 on your chesticles. You remind all readers that they will not understand this line if they haven't read this entire thread. Then your mom will smack both you and the impostor with her fly-swatter to complete the other's conquest to "be more like you". *sigh*

[HayesA]

Wolffstyle, if I may so bold to ask.


Now, please, humor me for a mere minute; you do have a few minutes don't you? Excellent. But I fear my question is not so simple as it may seem.

Why?

[Mr Changsha]

Well, we are finding out all about 'Boy-Lolita Wolffystyle' and the consequences 'grooming' has on Uruguyan security guards...you know it is a crime to entrap officers of the law, don't you Wolffystyle? Dirty bastard.

But what about Wolffstyle the man? Here's a question which could have at least a hundred answers:

How do you clean out the VO 5 bottle?

Another question...

Does it feel better than the mango you've got hidden under your bed?

[Beckytheblondie]

These are all wonderful questions.

[prismsaber]

Wolfy,

How narcissistic does one have to be to create a thread with their own name in the very topic title?

[Wolffystyle]

Wolffstyle, if I may so bold to ask.


Now, please, humor me for a mere minute; you do have a few minutes don't you? Excellent. But I fear my question is not so simple as it may seem.

Why?

Good question HayesA, thanks for asking it. This question may actually be so deep that it will require a shallow answer. It's a bit of a conundrum, then. You ask: Why?

My answer cannot be expressed in any form of human language. The answer is beyond comprehension for such beings with their minuscule brain capacities. In attempt to put it into words for you: Because.

Also, a complex multi-variable calculation and two-hundred and twelve page long proof complete with quantum information scientific algorithms, Nash equilibriums and a banana could begin to answer your question...but I just ate the banana.

[Wolffystyle]

Well, we are finding out all about 'Boy-Lolita Wolffystyle' and the consequences 'grooming' has on Uruguyan security guards...you know it is a crime to entrap officers of the law, don't you Wolffystyle? Dirty bastard.

But what about Wolffstyle the man? Here's a question which could have at least a hundred answers:

How do you clean out the VO 5 bottle?

Another question...

Does it feel better than the mango you've got hidden under your bed?

Mr Changsha. I do not like questions that could yield hundreds of answers. They seem vague to me and, therefore, useless. You're lucky to find out that there is only one way to clean out a VO5 bottle and that's to stare at it in self-loathing until you become comfortable with its mess. This strange and newfound comfort will allow you to evolve into a higher dimension where earthly messes are no longer distractions. Also, you can try to just place it back on the shelf and the whole thing should eventually take care of itself.

Oh sheesh! There's a mango under my bed! Nice! I just ate my last banana..... odd place for a mango, though.